One of the things that suck about celebrities dying in their 20s is that we never get to see them become boring has-beens who record terrible Christmas albums or make a sad guest appearance as the funky grandpa on a Disney Channel shows. You can’t throw a stone without hitting a dumb girl’s Instagram picture of 29-year-old Marilyn Monroe captioned “wow, such beautiful, so sex kitten”, but honestly, if she were alive today she’d probably be doing non-movie star shit like throwing a drink in Mama Elsa’s face on The Real Housewives of Miami. You’d point to the TV and tell your kids: “Marilyn Monroe-Bernstein was a very popular movie star in the 50’s, but now she sells exquisite costume jewellery on QVC and gets into fights with other plastic-faced ladies!”
Well, thanks to HuffPo, we can stop imagining what our favourite gone-too-soon rock stars would be up to, because they have brought us a creepy gallery of courtesy of Sachs Media Group. Not only did the artists at Sachs (all of which have PTSD from looking at these unsettling pictures for too long) speculate what legendary rockstars would look like today, but also created little back stories for what each one would be up to in 2013. For example, Kurt Cobain might have “explored smaller, less commercial projects” and Bob Marley “would have been a dream partner for stars like the Fugees and Kanye West”.
I have ENDLESS thoughts on these pictures, but I know you have to get back to firing off your confetti cannon over Blair Waldorf’s engagement, so I’ll make this quick: Kurt Cobain looks like a douchebag who was charged with aggravated assault at a TGIFridays in Port Huron, MI, and Dennis Wilson looks like the drunk uncle who bails him out of jail and celebrates his release with a 6-pack of Keystone Light in the parking lot of the police station.
And it goes without saying that the very first thing I did when I saw these pics was I played the Would I Still? game. So far, the only ones I would are Future John Lennon, because he looks like a rich Harvard professor who’d be into some weird shit, and Future Keith Moon, who looks like a recently-divorced father who’s soul is so broken he’d buy you endless amounts of Red Lobster in hopes that you might give him a lazy hand job in his leased PT Cruiser (I can’t say no to those delicious cheddar bay biscuits).