This Is Not The “Bound 2” I Was Hoping For

I hate Kanye West a little more today, because when I woke up this morning and saw a headline for something called “Bound 2,” the nipples on my soul got hard thinking that Hollywood was finally doing something right by making a long-awaited and highly-anticipated sequel to this lesbian erotic thriller masterpiece extravaganza:

But no, I’m not going to get fresh scenes of a butch Gina Gershon scissoring with a glamorous chola Betty Boop played by Jennifer Tilly. “Bound 2” is the name of the song that Kanye just shat out a video for. This is not the Bound 2 that anybody wanted. Instead of getting shots of Gina Rob Ford’ing Jennifer Tilly, we get Kanye boning a naked and lifeless Kim on a motorcycle in front a bunch of moving landscape paintings bought at the swap meet.

Kanye Kardashian debuted his video for “Bound 2” on Ellen and I don’t know whether to tell you that it’s best if you watch it with your eyes closed or with the mute button on, so I’ll just tell you to watch with your eyes closed and with the mute button on.

That video is the opposite of an inspiration poster. At the dentist office in the ninth circle of hell, that video is on the ceiling instead of a Where’s Waldo? poster. These two dildos have the on-screen chemistry of Backdoor Farrah’s gaping b-hole and James Deens’ soft dick. They make Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley look like two horny rabbits who actually love fucking each other.

I kept waiting for Ellen to jump out of that Sears Portrait Studio background and declare that this is just a prank, but that didn’t happen. Kanye West is serious with this shit and Kanye West is delusional enough to be serious with this shit. I just wish that Ellen’s cameras showed reaction shots from her audience, because the Internet definitely needs more GIFs of middle-aged women making “…the fuck is this life?” faces.