It seems like it was just yesterday when Michelle Tanner’s show-off friend Derek blatantly stole the role of Yankee Doodle from her ass in a very special episode of Full House and now here he is still doing the most in an emotionally raw music video that’ll suck the moistness out of your asshole lips and make your hair deflate.
Blake McIver, who was in Full House and was also the singing snowflake who Darla dumped in The Little Rascals movie, is now a gay club go-go dancer in West Hollywood and when he’s not shaking his twink cheeks for dollars, he’s singing a song that sounds like it was cut from the first High School Musical movie. Blake sounds like a slightly butcher Chris Colfer, but I can’t hate on him, because that Levi’s jean vest circa 1989 makes him look like a hustler in a low-budget Gus Van Sant movie and any dude who wears an International Male mesh tank top in 2013 is my fashion icon.
And THAT HAIR. If Robert Pattinson’s Twilight-era mane is a magical unicorn forest, then Blake’s hair is where the unicorn’s go to surf. That golden wave on his head is missing a surfing unicorn on it. You can’t say that you have majestic hair until you’ve made your neighbors curse you out, because you blew the circuit while drying your hair with two diffusers for hours.
If you’re in the middle of watching this gay 90s musical drama mess and wondering when it’s going to suck all the moistness out of your asshole lips, just wait for the high note.