Congratulations to Adam Levine’s PR team! As expected, People made this shit official and named Adam Levine as their Sexiest Man Alive. People chose Adam Levine, because he’s white, his PR team worked like the rent was due yesterday, he’s white, he promised to whore the issue out on The Voice tonight and he’s white! Adam tells People that he was shocked to get the label even though he and his PR team hustled for this shit for weeks and he told People that when he dumps his current piece for a newer Victoria’s Secret model, they’ll be the first to get the news!
“As a musician, you have fantasies that you want to win Grammys, but I didn’t really think that this was on the table,” the singer tells PEOPLE in this week’s cover story. “I was just amazed and stunned and it almost seemed like they were kidding, but they weren’t, so that’s cool.”
The L.A.-raised Levine also reveals that he cries at movies (E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial always gets him), loves to be naked and is looking forward to settling down with his fiancée, Victoria’s Secret model Behati Prinsloo. “I didn’t think marriage was for me for a long time,” the 34-year-old says. “I was ready when I was ready. That’s about as simple as it could possibly be.”
I guess this is People’s way of telling me that Prince Hot Ginge, Anderson Cooper, Carrot Top, Idris Elba, Richard Simmons, Walter Mercado, Harald Gloockler, the buff wolf in a Speedo and the hot Asian guy who works the morning shift on Sundays at my Starbucks died. RIP! With that being said, I’d still hit it and I’d proudly tell everyone I hit it while running off to the free clinic to soak my parts in the bucket of liquid antibiotics they put in front of you when you tell them that you’ve just fucked Adam Levine.