Well, At Least He Didn’t Piss On Her Ass Cheeks, So There’s That

November 17, 2013 / Posted by:

When Lady CaCa started off her performance of “Do What You Want” on Saturday Night Live last night by dancing like my Japanese grandpa doing an impersonation of Michael Jackson after having too many glasses of plum wine, I knew that a warm double stream of pure fuckery was about to splash against my eyeballs.

Before golden shower sex tape star and acquitted child toucher R. Kelly slithered out, CaCa did some kind of literal translation interpretive dance. Now you can say you know what it looks like when a little old lady with the ticks shows off the moves she learned during Fosse dance class at the senior citizen. It was just CaCa being the organic artist that she is. And then after R. Kelly came out, she became his bottom bitch and he looked like he had a severe case of the NOs while touching her. He was probably uncomfortable because she turned 18 a long ass time ago. When she got on her knees in front of his crotch, I expected her to pull his zipper down and pull out a long yellow silk scarf. Now that would’ve been art. And I’m pretty sure this performance counts as an actual skit.

If you need to cleanse your palate of CaCa and R. Kelly achieving the impossible by doing a low-budget, messy version of Robin Thicke and Miley’s VMAs performance, click play on the video below of her performing “Gypsy” and skip to the 3:19 mark to let a humanized shard of purple glitter thrust some sunshine into you.

And here’s CaCa at the SNL after-party looking like a cross between a third tier Carol Channing impersonator and my rubber Breathless Mahoney doll that melted when I accidentally put it in the dryer.

Pics: Splash

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