Andy Kaufman Lives, So Says His Fake Daughter

Right now, Andy Kaufman is at a carnival in Atlantis, impossibly winning a rigged game of Ring Toss while Tupac and Elvis eat fried Loch Ness monster bites next to him. Andy’s wearing a sweater made of Big Foot pubes, Tupac’s carrying a book titled “Genuine Words of Non-Delusional Wisdom From Dina Lohan (No Sarcasm)” and Elvis is wearing a heart-shaped locket with Paz de la Huerta’s picture in it. This is all happening, because Andy Kaufman never died of lung cancer. Andy Kaufman LIVES!

The “Andy Kaufman faked his death” rumors lit back up at the 9th annual Andy Kaufman Awards in NYC on Monday when Michael Kaufman, Andy’s brother, told the audience that he doesn’t really know if his brother is alive or dead. According to Cinema Blend, Michael said that he went through some of Andy’s things and found an essay that Andy wrote about pulling some fake death shit. Andy claimed in his essay that he would show himself in public at a certain restaurant on December 24, 1999. Michael went to that restaurant on that night and Andy wasn’t there, but a stranger handed him a letter from his supposedly death brother. In the letter, Andy wrote that he wanted to live in private and he fell in love with a woman and they made a daughter together. Andy told Michael to keep that secret to himself until their dad Stanley died.

While he was alive, Stanley created Andy Kaufman Awards 9 years ago. Stanley died this summer and a month later, a 24-year-old girl got in contact with Michael and said that Andy’s alive and grateful that the Andy Kaufman Awards is recognizing young comedians who are inspired by his ass. After Michael told that story, he asked if the 24-year-old girl was in the audience. And of course, the girl was and she took the stage to tell everyone that she’s Andy Kaufman’s daughter. Everybody in the audience picked up their cocktails and examined that shit to see if anybody dropped an acid tab in there.

Here’s the video from TMZ of Andy Kaufman’s supposed spawn telling the audience that he just wanted to be a stay-at-home dad and was tired of being in the spotlight. She says that Andy was planning to show up to the awards, but he changed his mind at the last second.

Why did I keep waiting for her to pull off her face and reveal that she’s Andy Kaufman, or at least Jim Carrey as Andy Kaufman? This girl is obviously part of some elaborate hoax orchestrated by Michael Kaufman, because anybody who wears that bow tie dress out in public has to be joking. And she’s a New York actress whose dad is a doctor.

Besides, if Andy Kaufman was alive, he wouldn’t spend the last 30 years raising a kid and being a family man. He’d be working on his greatest and most elaborate prank on humanity. He’d get plastic surgery to look like Larry from Three’s Company and he’d use Ray J’s boomerang dick to turn three useless, vapid pieces of trash into millionaire skid marks on civilization’s dirty panties. Yes, Andy Kaufman IS Pimp Mama Kris. That, I’d believe.