Things That Should Not Exist EVER: Nicolas Cage Sex Pics

November 13, 2013 / Posted by:

NOPE! Do not want to see. Can someone pull up that eye-gouging scene from Slumdog Millionaire? I couldn’t find a decent WikiHow tutorial on removing your own eyes and I need them gone NOW. I have stumbled upon some gross shit on the internet before, and I need to be sure I never see pics of Nicolas Cage’s Dicklaration of Indepeendance (alternate joke: Captain Corelli’s Peendolin).

In a move I’m hoping is a very early April Fool’s joke, TMZ is reporting that pictures of Nicolas Cage and his then-piece Christina Fulton were stolen from Fulton in April after a former handyman broke into her home, stole four computers and a box of photos. The handyman, Ricardo Orozco, was arrested last month and charged with felony burglary, however the pictures have yet to be recovered. He’s currently being held on $1 Million bail (if I were a judge, I’d set bail at $1 Million too; releasing photos of Nic Cage’s dick should be classified as an act of terrorism).

For all the sickos out there who need a jpg of Nic Cage’s weird dick (does it wear a discount-looking hairpiece too?), then today is your lucky day! Clear some room on your hard drive, because you’re going to want lots of space for all the pictures of Nicolas Cage making Weston Cage (an event that probably involved a lot of gas station vodka in a room with lead paint-covered walls). And for the record, can you tell me the exact moment in your life where it all went wrong? I just want to make sure I never get to the point where naked pics of Nic Cage give me the vapors.

I’ll be honest; when I first heard about fuck-time pics of Nicolas Cage, I sat silently with my finger’s crossed and hoping they would be Valley Girl-era Cage. I think we all would, right? There’s a morbid curiosity in seeing Moonstruck Cage’s dingus, right? No? You say you wouldn’t want to see Raising Arizona peen? You’re a better person than me.

Silver lining to this awful, upsetting story: Ricardo Orozco only got his hands on pictures. Imagine if he found sex tapes? Let’s all thank the deity of our choice (mine is an all-knowing glazed donut) that there isn’t a video of Nicolas Cage screaming NOT THE BEES! as he comes.

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