Joaquin’s Got A New Piece

November 13, 2013 / Posted by:

I’m with you, wooden Pinocchio in the background. Stay staring at your nose and don’t look out. You don’t want to see crusty Joaquin Phoenix and his teenage piece holding onto to each other while wearing matching pants and Chucks. Don’t do that to yourself. Keep your eyes down. Oh, and keep working those hot wooden biker shorts.

The paparazzi in Rome took pictures yesterday of 39-year-old Joaquin walking around with a teenage girl who was 2 when To Die For came out. The Daily Mail says that Joaquin’s new girlfriend is 19-year-old DJ Allie Teilz who grew up in Arizona and lives in L.A. now. I was kind of surprised to find out that she’s American. She looks like a long-lost Geldof daughter named Funshine Lilypad Geldof, or like the secret love child that King Joffrey made with Ashlee Simpson. And I don’t know if this will shed light on why she’s getting herself some of Joaquin’s dick cheese, but she told BULLETT magazine once that she wants to be R. Kelly’s bitch:

I love R. Kelly. He’s so beyond everything. I’ve always thought R. Kelly was my spirit animal. One of life dreams would be to work for him. I would love to be R. Kelly’s bitch. I have a lot of ideas for him. As a skinny white girl, he wants nothing to do with me. A lot of the problems with being a girl in the industry is being sexualized, but I’d be a Liz Lemon in R. Kelly’s world.

Joaquin pulling a Leonardo DiCatchAHo with DJs instead of models is whatever to me, but I can not and will not with those matching Converse. OFFENSIVE! WRONG! SUCIO! DISGUSTING! GROSS! And something that should be ILLEGAL! A couple that wears matching Converse together can go to Hell together. And really, let’s not get into those downtrodden eyebrows that look like they were in a razor fight and lost.

Pics: Bauer Griffin

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