I’ll Give A Muffin Basket To Whoever Slips Miley A Tongue Scraper

There are many things on which to spend $1000. Food. Shelter. Warm clothes. Two humps on Brazilian sex workers if your name sort of rhymes with Lustin’ Beaver. If you’re a Miley fan, you can also spend the princely sum on a VIP meet-and-greet package to add on to your Bangerz tour ticket purchase. According to Radar, the package includes:

-One ticket along the catwalk (so you can conveniently choose to end it all and plunge to your death)
-Individual photo op with Miley (taken by living, breathing pedobear Terry Richardson)
-Pre-show drinks and snacks (Sugar free Red Bull and all the 100 calorie snack packs you can eat)
-Exclusive Miley gift bag (all the Hannah Montana stuff left on eBay)
-VIP laminate and commemorative ticket (to press in the pages of your future Unibomber-style manifesto)
-Crowd-free merchandise shopping (as if paying a thousand dollars so far wasn’t enough)
-Parking where available (you are so fucking welcome)

Passes are already sold out in Las Vegas, Nev., Anaheim, Calif., Tacoma, Wash., Phoenix, Ariz., Omaha, Neb. and Miami, Florida, begging the questions “what the fuck kind of allowance are kids getting these days?” and “why would any grown ass adult pay to see this shit”? A thousand dollars for the privilege of seeing Miley’s thrush-encrusted tongue up close? Or take a picture with her starved, plucked chicken ass while Uncle Terry suggests you undo a few buttons to “be more comfortable”? Or have to hoof it with the poors from the event to Parking Lot BFE because that was what was “available”?

While some fans are pissier than Kim Kardashian in her sex tape over the VIP prices, we can bet one person has already taken up a collection at his favorite tattoo parlor to be able t0 afford it. Paging the stellar decision making skills of Carl McCoid!

All Carl needs to complete the crazy is a full back tattoo of his fan pic with Miley. Hopefully the third time’s a charm and she won’t look like Eliza Dushku and Soleil Moon Frye had a baby who grew up to be a child prostitute.

(Photos: Wenn, Facebook)