All the Academy members who are eligible to nominate in the acting categories are making a mental note to write on their ballots, “Best Butterfly-Chasing Performance By A Chosen One In A Trailer – Vivi Jolie-Pitt,” after watching the humanized sliver of the sun that is Vivienne Jolie-Pitt frolic in the Maleficent trailer.
Yesterday, Disney released the poster for that movie about a demonic fairy who puts an evil Ambien curse on the royal baby after the kid’s rude ass parents don’t send her an Evite to the royal christening. (“Hmm, that’s giving me an idea,” said a scorned Duchess Fergie) Today, Disney released the trailer which is about 99% CGI fuckery and the rest of it is Elle Fanning and St. Angie Jolie trying to do what I think is supposed to be a British accent.
Based on the synopsis that Disney released, they’ve erased that whole “christening invitation revenge” thing and will focus on how Maleficent went from an innocent young girl to an ice-hearted evil fairy. How very Oz of them. I don’t want to see Maleficent’s stupid backstory! I just want to see two hours of her destroying the souls of men, making grown people cry, cutting bitches with her razor sharp cheekbones and pouncing on children from the darkness. Wait, I think I just admitted to wanting to see an Angelina Jolie biopic.
Maleficent comes out next May. And next Halloween, out will come millions of messes dressed up like a slutty Maleficent. Malefislut!