At the BAFTA LA Jaguar Britannia Awards (Side note: After reading that, I still don’t know if it’s an awards show for acting, cars or encyclopedias) at the Beverly Hilton in L.A. on Saturday night, Salma Hayek and her orphan-saving tits presented Sacha Baron Cohen with the Charlie Chaplin Britannia for Excellence in Comedy. Sacha Baron Cohen only got the award, because the world’s funniest comedian, Kanye West or whoever is responsible for the jacked-up words of hilarious delusion that come out of his mouth, wasn’t available.
Before SBC came out, Salma Hayek introduced the hot old lady in the wheelchair onstage as “Grace Cullington,” the only living actor who was in a silent movie with Charlie Chaplin ten million years ago. When SBC sashayed onto to the stage to get his award, Grace gave him one of Charlie’s signature canes. SBC took the cane, danced around and when he leaned on it, it broke and he fell on Memaw Grace’s wheelchair, sending her ass flying off of the stage and into the arms of the Grim Reaper. Everybody stopped clapping except for Isla Fisher, because she knew her dude was pranking whores and because memaw murder is really hilarious. As Andy Kaufman’s ghost filed a copyright infringement lawsuit against SBC and security guards carried Grace’s body out of the room, he took his award and kept the jokes coming.
“Grace Cullington is the oldest, no, sorry, was the oldest surviving [Chaplin co-star}. I dedicate my award to her. This is obviously a tragedy. She has upstaged me. But on the bright side, what a great way to go, giving an award to me. Thus, she’ll probably make the Oscars In Memoriam segment.
I’d like to say a few words to her family: Do not try to sue me. If you decide to get the lawyers involved, I will take you down just like I did your granny. The cane that woman forced on me was clearly defective and I’ve got lots of witnesses. At least 400 in this room and at least 500 watching on TV. Anyway, tonight is not about her, it’s about me.”
Of course SBC didn’t commit vehicular abuelita manslaughter. “Grace Cullington” was just a stunt woman in old lady makeup and she’s alive. But the joke is really on that stuntwoman. Because as she pretended to be dead on the floor, Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah scurried up to her body, snatched any joorees she had on and scurried out.