Bruce Jenner’s Ponytail Is My Everything

November 11, 2013 / Posted by:

There’s not a lot I know about middle-aged men, but one thing I do know is that once a man in his 50s separates from his wife and makes the conscious decision to grow out a ponytail, it’s the first step in the suburban male version of How Stella Got Her Groove Back. It’s like a late-in-life Bar Mitzvah: “Congratulations, you’re now a free man desperate to reclaim the youth you lost to your wife! Take this earring and Ed Hardy t-shirt and celebrate with your friends and family.”

Bruce Jenner debuted this beautiful symbol of freedom at a charity yard sale in Woodland Hills, CA and luckily photographers were there to catch it in all it’s stunning glory. Look at the sun bouncing off that ‘tail; Jesus himself must have sent a sunbeam down to Bruce’s head as if to say: “Lookin’ good Bruce! Oh, and can you pass on a message to Kris? Satan says Hi.”

I know that Kris is trying really hard to save the reveal of her and Bruce’s separation for the season premiere of Konstant Koverage Of The Kardashians (or a magazine cover or an E! News special report or a DASH fire sale or something), but Bruce’s choice of hairstyle is sending a pretty clear message: Once you go ‘tail, you never bail…on your plan to escape the suffocating clutches of your viper-faced wife and the fame-hungry Chimera creature she calls ‘her daughters’.

The power and the glory of Bruce’s Freedom Whip was upstaged only once during the yard sale when Kim Kardashian’s ego fell into her ass and the excess weight caused her to fall down onto a pile of trash (OH, THE IRONY). Of course, TMZ caught the fall on camera because – DUH – nothing says humility and generosity like inviting a camera crew to your charity yard sale to film your selfless volunteerism.

Here’s more of Bruce, Bruce’s follicular ‘fuck you’ to Kris, the former host of Fox’s Kris, Khloe Lamar-Odom-Jenner-Kardashian (or whatever the hell she’s going by these days), Kim’s too-heavy ass, and some poor girl who’s giving serious morse code with her eyes after being cornered by Bruce (H-E-L-P…M-E…).

(Pics via Splash)

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