The gold-encrusted moist butt sex raisins from Tom Cruise’s deposition in his $50 million lawsuit against Bauer Media just keep on coming. Tommy’s mad at those lying whores for saying he “abandoned” the former chosen child of Scientology, Suri Cruise, in a June 2012 cover story for InTouch. Bauer’s lawyers asked Tommy all kinds of questions about his job and are trying to prove that InTouch’s story wasn’t filled with more fairy tales than any given chapter in Dianetics. Tommy admitted that after Katie Holmes ripped up their marriage certificate and fed it to John Travolta’s hungry hungry b-hole, he didn’t see Suri for 100 days. Tommy said that he was busy filming and just couldn’t get away even though he can make a private jet appear just by snapping his fingers.
According to TMZ, Tommy said that in the past four years, he’s only put his ass on a commercial flight once and it was because he had no choice. Tommy also said that he doesn’t always need to see Suri in person, because he’s such a wonderful storyteller that all the stories he tells her over the phone are so vivid that they come to life. Tommy’s voice is like liquid acid for your brain. That crazy fucking bitch. But you know, I kind of see what he’s saying, because if he fed wonderful stories about L. Ron Hubbard into my ear, I’d envision a vivid intergalactic volcano and it would look so real that I’d want to throw myself into it.
Tommy also tried to make his job seem so demanding and so important by comparing it to fighting in Afghanistan and competing in the Olympics. It’s official. Thetans have entered Tommy Girl’s asshole, crawled up to his head and have nibbled whatever is left of his brains. The insane foolery via TMZ
Tom says his location shoots are just like serving a tour in Afghanistan, “That’s what it feels like. And certainly on this last movie, it was brutal. It was brutal.”
As for his physical training, Tom said, “There is difficult physical stamina and preparation. Sometimes I’ve spent months, a year, and sometimes two years preparing for a single film.” But the kicker, he adds, “A sprinter for the Olympics, they only have to run two races a day. When I’m shooting, I could potentially have to run 30, 40 races a day, day after day.”
Tommy is so right. Acting in some action movie is just like fighting for your country. Everybody knows that every troop has a body double to do all the shooting and fighting stuff for them. After about an hour or two of fake battling with extras, each troop goes back to their multi-million dollar, air-conditioned trailer and as one of their assistant feeds them cuisine flown in from Italy, a massage therapist massages their sphincter and then another assistant reads them an e-mail their daughter sent them so they can say they spent time with her. Then each troop gets their hair and make-up touched up and as they walk back to the battle ground, one assistant spritzes them with Evian as another one holds up a fan to keep them cool in the one million degree heat. And after a day of fake fighting, a helicopter takes them back to their 5-star luxury hotel. Yes, being a millionaire movie star is just like facing death every single day!
I swear, if you put an E-meter can in Tommy’s hand and asked him if he knows how full of shit he is, the E-meter can would explode as soon as he spit out the N in NO. If you dropped Tommy’s ass in Afghanistan, the first thing he’d say is, “Where’s the Escalade that’ll take me to the Four Seasons?”
But Tommy’s lawyer told People that TMZ distorted his words. Here’s the new definition of “backtracking“:
“The assertions that Tom Cruise likened making a movie to being at war in Afghanistan is a gross distortion of the record. What Tom said, laughingly, was that sometimes, ‘That’s what it feels like.’ As the video shows, he and the lawyer were laughing at his answer, and, when asked in the next question if the situations were comparable, Tom said, ‘Oh, come on,’ meaning of course not.’”
Tommy went on to say, “…of course not. My job is WAY harder. I mean, one time I had to fly commercial to a shooting location. Can you imagine? Guh-ross, right?“