Paulina Gretzky Is Smokey The Bear’s Enemy Number One

November 7, 2013 / Posted by:

While famine, disease and math with letters in it continue to plague the Earth, TMZ has some good news in the form of stupidity being proven flammable. Paulina Gretzky, hockey legend Wayne Gretzky’s daughter, had her sweater catch fire at The Tipsy Goat (totally filing that away in my possible eHarmony screen names should I ever find myself single again) in Thousand Oaks, CA after sitting too close to a fire pit.

Maybe the vapid and boregeous (boring + gorgeous) didn’t get the memo that open blazes are hot and shit catches on fucking fire if you get your boozy ass self in it’s vicinity. Paulina had previously been booted from the same bar before after dancing on said fire pit. Third time’s a charm, Darwin? I’ll cross everything, even my whore legs! If her Instagram account is any indication, the number of sparklers she seems to be around regularly may make all my dreams come true.

Aside from her penchant to being drawn to flame like an idiot moth, Paulina is no Rhodes Scholar. In an interview with Maxim (via People), she basically pissed all over Schoolhouse Rock’s “knowledge is power” slogan by saying getting her read on just doesn’t do it for her.

“Some people gave me such a hard time for posting all these swimsuit pics on Twitter,” she admits. “I’m sorry, I’m not posting pictures when I’m reading a book. I feel like social media is supposed to be for fun, to share what you’re doing when you’re enjoying life.”

Paulina may have attended the Paris Hilton School of Too Many Words, Not Enough Pictures if she finds no enjoyment in picking up a good book (sit down, E.L. James, nobody’s taking to you). Reading may not be everybody’s forte, but the world sure as shit doesn’t need more hos in bikinis. What we really need to see on the next Instagram update is a mashup between Paulina’s two biggest enemies- fire and books- in the form of a Fahrenheit 451 filter, especially if it automatically applied itself after the third tired ass selfie by making a self-promoting attention whore burst into flame.

(Photo: Instagram)

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