David Arquette Is Going To Be Somebody’s Father Again

November 5, 2013 / Posted by:

The above picture is what it would look like if Drop Dead Fred and Lizzie smoked a whole lot of blue meth. Moving on…

Multiple sources (aka David’s spokeswhore, David’s spokeswhore’s assistant and David’s spokeswhore’s intern) tell People that David Arquette and his on-and-off girlfriend of 2 years oil slick Leighton Meester Christina McLarty are going to be parents to a newborn in a few months. David kind of let this news slip last week on Howard Stern when he drunkenly called his 9-year-old daughter with Courteney Cox his “first child.”

When People asked David’s spokeswhore to comment on this, his spokeswhore said, “You dumb shits! I just told you about this! Oh wait, that was from an ‘inside source.’ Um. I do not comment on David’s personal life. Goodbye.”

At first, I kind of sort of said, “Poor kid,” to myself since the current state of David’s life is set to MESS (but isn’t it always?) and the kid will one day learn that its mother was once married to douche rash Joe Francis, but their kid will be fine. I say that after reading about Charlie and Brooke’s A+++ parenting skills.

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