Jesus, Miley, what’s next? Twerking on Justin Timberlake’s Top Ramen hair and doing MDMA with Avril Lavigne while listening to the Save the Last Dance soundtrack?
While I firmly believe that no one should be held accountable for their actions during Halloween time I cannot with a good conscience excuse Miley Cyrus from the latest in her series of Trust-Me-You’ll-Regret-This-In-3-Months mistakes. I’m nothing if not a for-rent Ghost of Christmas Future for drunk skanks and hoochies.
According to E!, 20-year-old Miley was introduced to 34-year-old Benji Madden of Good Charlotte through a friend at Adam Lambert’s Halloween party at Bootsy Bellows in West Hollywood this weekend. The two hit it off quickly (they probably bonded over their mutual love of making of crappy watered-down music for suburban white kids), and after talking and flirting for a bit, a witness claims to have seen them “share a kiss” and leave the club together around 1am. Benji Madden has been previously linked to Paris Hilton and Holly Madison, and Miley has recently been in close proximity to Lindsay Lohan and Robin Thicke. Meanwhile, society is crossing their fingers to see if both Miley and Benji would consider an exclusive relationship with the CDC.
Oh Miley, I get it; you were with Liam Hemsworth for FOREVER and now your crotch is ready to party. We all know what it feels like; your coochie is finally free to spin around the hills like Julie Andrews. However, with great power comes great responsibility, girl; you can’t hook up with every C-list rat-trash and not expect a visit from the STI fairies, Itchee and Burny (they sort of look like tiny versions of Jerri Blank). I don’t mean to sound like a slut shamer, but I’d be wary of anyone who’s had genital-to-genital contact with Paris Hilton. Isn’t that public knowledge? I think they even teach that shit in high school Sex Ed now (under the chapter Sex No-Nos: Not Even With a Million Condoms). If you don’t slow the fuck down with all the grimy grossness, you’re going to be covered in questionable bumps (and I’m not talking about the ones on the top of your head).