Or as Drew Barrymore would say, “I hath a fetuth living in my womb.”
When I saw these pictures earlier of Drew Barrymore at the LACMA Art+Film Gala on Saturday, I figured that she had filled her face with the saliva of Jocelyn Wildenstein until she looked like a mash-up of Goopy Paltrow and Leslie Mann, because that’s not the Drew Barrymore face that I know. But Drew doesn’t have filler face yet. She’s got pregnancy face! Drew’s rep tells People that just a few months after her 13-month-old daughter Olive checked out of her uterus, another kid moved in and made itself comfortable. People also points to a quote that Drew spit out about how her and her husband Will Kopelman (Side note: Remember when her ass was married to TOM GREEN?!) have always wanted more than one baby friend.
“I was an only child, and it was lonely. Some people love it and thrive on the independence, but I want my kids to have other kids around. Maybe two kids so they can run around life together, roll their eyes at their parents together like Rusty and Audrey Griswold from [National Lampoon's] Vacation. So however that’s going to come about, it’s gonna happen!”
I’m the youngest of two and I’m glad I wasn’t the only child, because you can only blame the dog for so many things (examples: farts, eating all the candy and pissing on the sofa). But if I wanted a kid, I’d only have one kid. I couldn’t take two. I went to my cousin’s house a few weekends ago and she has three chirruns under the age of 8. Ten seconds after I walked into that nerve-killing den of toddler drama and Disney songs, I pulled out my iPhone and immediately looked for an app that tells you where the nearest heroin dealer is located.
Also, kids are already shifty things on their own. Add another kid and the shiftiness doubles. That’s not a good thing. The rules of parenting are a lot like the rules of street fighting: never wear earrings, always know what your quickest escape route is and never find yourself outnumbered or you’re truly fucked.