The Heidi Klum you see on Project Runway and those pube-pulling annoying Jordache commercials is actually an animatronic robot with a German accent. Because on November 1st, the real Heidi Klum hooks herself up to an IV drip full of Ensure, slides into a make-up chair/toilet and spends the next 364 days getting into prosthetics and make-up for the next Halloween. For some of us, Halloween is just another holiday where we can drunkenly run the streets in nothing but a crotch patch and nipple tassels without getting arrested. But for Heidi Klum, Halloween IS life!
For her Halloween party in NYC last night, the HallowQueen memaw-fied herself, and she says that she went as an old lady, but I’m pretty sure she went as a SANS FARDS and SANS BOTOX Lindsay Lohan. Heidi nailed it as always. Heidi can HAHAHAHA at her turkey jerky neck and all the memaw spots on her face, because bitch is never going to look like this. Because in Hollywood, “aging gracefully,” involves getting your body reupholstered and replacing all the blood in your veins with fillers.
And I waited to post these, because I wanted to include the open letter that AARP will eventually write to Heidi. Because OLDFACE is not funny. Memaws and pepaws are people. They are not costumes! But I’m guessing they haven’t written that letter yet, because they’re still sleeping off their hangovers. They all spent their Halloween night doing Metamucil and vodka shots off of each other’s turkey necks.
Here’s more of Memaw Heidi and other hos at her Halloween party.