There are two things most people wouldn’t want to associate with Ben Affleck: Batman and sperm. We can thank Warner Brothers for the former and his wife, Jennifer Garner, in an interview with Ellen Degeneres (via USWeekly) for the latter. Maybe my stomach is still churning from my super grown-up move of having six pounds of candy last night for dinner or that one time I caught half of Daredevil on cable, but I just wasn’t prepared to stomach the thought of Affleck jizz this morning, so thanks a fucking lot, Jennifer. Putting cream in my coffee doesn’t usually give me the heaves.
“Spermy has been, so far, held at bay.” and the couple’s solution to the dilemma is simple: “There are 57 kinds of contraceptives used pretty much,” she jokingly revealed. “Everyday?” asked DeGeneres. “Yep, and three of them are under the age of eight,” Garner responded, referring to their kids. “I think we have provided the world with enough.”
I don’t mind Affleck so much in a shallow way. He can be kind of hot when he doesn’t have lesbian gym teach hair and, at the very least, I’d like to thank him for his part in introducing me to the very versatile “Argo fuck yourself“. It works on dogs, kids, mothers-in-law and assholes at the grocery store blocking my access to chocolate raspberry Yoplait Whips while acting like picking yogurt flavors is fucking Sophie’s Choice. The trick is to mutter it through a fake ass smile and be prepared to swerve and say, “I said ‘go love yourself’” if you get called out.
Still, it’s cute how Jennifer is going to front like there isn’t a framed picture of Matt Damon over their bed (and in the shower and Ben’s work trailer and that he doesn’t make strippers or Blake Lively wear a mask of Matt’s face). Whatever she needs to truly believe she’s 100% responsible for Ben needing to throw on nine condoms, four layers of Glad Press-N-Seal, spray his shit with Lysol and say six Hail Marys before he gets his potent fuck on and roots around in the dark is saying, “How do you like THEM apples?“ If Jennifer is really worried about getting knocked up again, she can always make Ben go back to this look for the nights their kids aren’t busting in on them mid-thrust.
Here are some pics of Spermy Affleck and the missus, with professional fuck halters Violet, Serafina and Samuel trick-or-treating in Brentwood last night if you haven’t already tied your own shit in a knot after seeing a thousand fucking pictures of kids in costumes on Facebook this morning.