Archives: October 2013

Talking About Michael Fassbender’s Big Peen Is Sexist, So Says Michael Fassbender

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

Michael Fassbender’s long dong swaying dick was the breakout star of Shame, it stole every scene it was in and many of us signed a petition to get the Academy to properly honor it with an honorary Oscar for best performance by a big dick in a movie (no disrespect to cinema’s other huge prick Ashton Kutcher). But just like fellow Salchicha Gordo Club member Jon Hamm, Michael Fassbender is tired of bitches talking about his big dick, and he’d really like us whores to stop focusing on his big dick, and he wants to be seen as something more than a dude with a big dick, and he wants the tweets about his big dick to stop (he’s talking to you, Damon Lindelof)!

As Sharon Stone’s vagina threw Michael Fassbender an “Is that so?” look, he told Elle UK (via The Cut) that it would be considered sexual harassment if everybody talked about an actresses’ chocha the way everyone talks about his big dick.

It wouldn’t be acceptable, it would be seen as sexual harassment, people saying [to an actress], “Your vagina …” You know?

You know, I didn’t totally get what Michael Fassbender said, because my brain was too busy thinking about his big dick swinging to and fro. Can Michael Fassbender say that again? Better yet, can Michael Fassbender get his big dick to say the words. I’ll totally pay attention then. I promise.

Tuck Game: D Minus

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

For 364 days out of the year, Matt Lauer has to put a suit over the ladies panties and bra he usually wears, but since it’s Halloween he gets to do a slow motion jog out of his dressing room as the sexy lady he wants to fuck over and over again.

This morning, the hos of Today all did themselves up like “iconic” TV characters and since Matt will never pass up an opportunity to put on a women’s Spandex one piece, he dressed up as C.J. Parker from Baywatch complete with a pair of rubber bowls that look more natural than what’s on Pamela Anderson’s chest. It’s a miracle that the producers of Today somehow managed to tear Matt away from the full-length mirror in his dressing room, because when he saw himself done up like that, he couldn’t stop staring while pinching his rubber nipples and caressing his padded ass.

I am totally disappointed that next to “tuck game” on his costume report card, I have to give him an almost failing grade. Unless he’s trying to say that C.J. Parker has a pair of low-hanging carne asada curtains and six clits, his crotch area is a total mess. Every intern at Today who Matt has flashed is probably giggling at this, because they know that he doesn’t have much to tuck yet his tuck game was still whack. But I’m sure Matt made up for it later when he spotted himself in the mirror again and was so turned on by himself that he tucked his stuff all the way between his legs while trying to stick the tip in his b-hole.

As for the other tricks from Today, Willie Geist went as The Hoff, Kathie Lee Gifford went as a Lucille Ball-looking ass Wilma Flinstone, Hoda Kotb went as Betty Rubble, wet piece of cardboard Savannah Guthrie went as a Barbara Walters-looking ass Laverne, Natalie Morales went as Shirley, Carson Daly went as Jon from CHiPs and Al Roker went as Mr. T. Carmen Electra, Erik Estrada and Vanilla Ice were also there, because what else do they have to do?

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Miley Cyrus As Lil Kim For Slutoween

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

You know Halloween has been filled to the top with layers upon layers of thick fuckery (see: Julianne Hough and all of this) if you see Miley Cyrus dressed up as Lil Kim and your first thought is, “Thank BEA ARTHUR that she’s not in blackface.”

Because Miley Cyrus really wanted to wear a Slutoween costume where she could show off her little uncooked chest dumpling, she dressed up as a white Lil Kim circa 1999 VMAs this year. But then again, isn’t Lil Kim a white Lil Kim at this point? Miley kind of looks like Amanda Bynes as Lil Kim (she does have a look in her eye that says, “You know you want to leave a chalk outline around this vagina, Drake”), but Amanda would never wear the WRONG shade of purple and she’d never wear a full-titty pasty instead of a nipple pasty. But Lil Kim still approves of Miley’s tribute to her and tweeted a taint pat of approval.

The only thing really missing here is a Diana Ross jiggling her titty. And I’m sure that as I type this, Billy Ray is putting a Diana Ross wig over his mullet.

(Pics via Twatter)

Ann With An E Hathaway Puts Her Bitchface On For Cancer Gala

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

Anne Hathaway lost a few fans after the attendees of the The Pink Party Gala she hosted in Santa Monica earlier this month told InTouch that the list of her demands included not being spoken to by guests and that she spent the night rolling her giant cow eyes. Dick move, Anne. Not even Christian Bale is going to send you a muffin basket for that one. Cancer is enough of an asshole for taking things that don’t belong to it without you adding to the fuckery!

Of course her reps and the gala’s organizers activated their Ass Kissing Wondertwin Powers when The DailyMail came calling to give you this:

The star’s publicist Stephen Huvane told MailOnline that the claims are ‘100 percent false.’

Huvane stated: ‘We never made any such requests and Anne happily interacted with the organisers and guests at the event. The cause is very personal to her as the [doctor] being honoured that evening saved one of her very close friends.’

And the publicist for The Pink Party, Alexandra Lippin, affirmed to MailOnline that it was a delight to have her.’

Lippin went on to say: ‘Anne could not have been nicer and was absolutely lovely throughout the evening. 

‘She gave one of the most heartfelt speeches in the history of The Pink Party.’

Adding: ‘It was extremely genuine. She was sincere and open with tears in her eyes as she spoke about her friend.’

To be clear, no shade about her friend. Cancer itself is no joke and my condolences to anybody affected by it. But she’s an actress and an overly rehearsed one at that. She never seems quite genuine and strikes me as being “on” all the time. I can totally imagine her getting bored at a gala after underlining all the E’s at the end of her name on the signage, realizing she’s almost on, swiping some clove oil under her eyes and whispering “they’re gonna love you” on the way to the podium. I do have a shallow little smudge of appreciation for her, even though it’s just because I share some of her facial features and am thankful she’s a walking, talking example of “Just Say No To Pixie Cuts When You Have A Face Like That“.

(Photo by Wenn.com)

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Kim Kardashian Has Feelings Along With A Face That Doesn’t Move

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

When most people are faced with criticism, they rise to the occasion, re-evaluate their priorities and re-invent themselves as a stronger, wiser individual. Not Kim Kardashian. Her responses to bullying (take it away, Inigo Montoya) and comments about her weight during her pregnancy with North have included stuffing herself into a bathing suit I can only assume is made out of a Hefty Force Flex bag, and stealing a tablecloth dress pattern off Maria Von Trapp’s “Sewing Projects” Pinterest page as a “big middle finger” to her haters.

Kim went on Jay Leno last night and between the 978 “likes” that you could easily turn into a drinking game if you’re willing to be face down/ass up wasted before the first commercial break, she talked about how hurt her feelings were (via Gossip Cop).

“It really hurt my soul,” the new mom says of the near-constant body criticism she received.  “It changed how I am in the public a little bit. I would go out and there would just be photos of me anytime I was hungry… and these stories where I was like 200 pounds.”

Looking back, Kardashian says “it was the greatest challenge of my life to have gained 50 pounds” and to deal with the public’s cruelty to boot.

Even though she’s now lost all the weight, the reality star says the nastiness she faced has made her want to “live more of a private life.”

“Why would I subject myself to so much negativity? Especially now that I have a daughter. I just don’t need that energy. I rather be in a happy place, when I’m home,” explains Kardashian.

I can empathize with feeling like shit over a pregnancy weight gain after joining the Heffa Club more than once myself. I spent two of three pregnancies floating in a pool of gravy with a box of donuts balanced on my stomach like some kind of gluttonous otter. The only reason I didn’t do it a third time was because the Lord came to me in the form of Wilford Brimley and gave me the DIABEETUS so that I may learn.

She lost my ass with the soul thing, though. Kim has a better chance of getting a read off her emotions with a Magic 8 ball since we all know she sold her soul to PMK in exchange for the fame she has NO fucking intention of not continuing to ride like a whore on a dick. Her version of changing doesn’t mean a life outside of the spotlight, it means a life inside her closet with a full length mirror and a wide variety of Instagram filters to choose from. Sorry, Kim- there’s no filter that will hide your desperate need for validation.

A clip of her interview is below and do have to give Jay Leno credit for not poking her in the face with awe and wonderment while asking her how she manages to look so lifelike. That girl is one more trip to the surgeon’s office (under the guise of wanting to live privately) from completing her transformation into a ventriloquist’s dummy. If only we could get Morgan Freeman to drive Kim out to a field for a “what’s in the fucking box” moment but instead of Gwyneth Paltrow’s head (which would also be nice), it’s Kim’s three faces ago when she could still actually move it.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For October 30th!

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

Every precaution must be taken when unfriending dear leader Kim Jong-un. – citizenstrange

Runners-up:

Things didn’t end badly for everyone at The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. While working a day job at the local butcher shop, Leatherface put himself through nightclasses at the city college where he met the love of his life and mother of his twin daughters, Pleatherface and the slightly less attractive Vinylface. – johnny boy

Kim and Kanye refuse to let their nannies speak to them so they only communicate with via Twitter.#DON’TSPEAKTOKANYE #I’M BETTER THAN YOU – Book Noir

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