Jean Paul Gaultier Debuts Couture Line For Children With $1,200 Dress (AKA A New Rag To Mop Up Blue Ivy’s Spills)

October 30, 2013 / Posted by:

“How nice; now everyone can afford Gaultier”Suri Cruise, as she sits on a throne made of human nannies.

No longer content with making clothes for rich people, Jean Paul Gaultier has decided that it’s time he start also catering to their rich crotch droppings as well. According to the Daily Mail, JPG (which is actually a pretty hot acronym) began making clothing for kids back in 2009 under the name Junior Gaultier, but he woke up one morning and thought ‘Why charge Normals hundreds for a dress when I could charge celebrities THOUSANDS?!’

Only one piece for the collection has been released so far, and it’s this Gap Kids c.2001-looking $1,200 silk and tulle dress that will be available in sizes 4 to 14 years old. I know that a $1,200 dress for a child seems ridiculous (because it’s well-known that children are just small drunk adults who spend a great deal of time falling down and pissing themselves) but to the rich, this is VALUE. This is Jean Paul Gaultier for TARGET. This is ‘John Paul Gotye‘ at a Florida swap meet. Real rich kids like Suri Cruise or Blue Ivy Carter could buy and sell your ass six times over, so a $1,200 dress is like a roll of Bounty towels to them.

Unless they need a new painting smock or a princess costume for Halloween, they won’t be caught dead in a dress that was bought off the rack. You think Apple Martin gets her dresses from the same store as Tori Spelling’s kids? Puh-lease. Here’s how it works: If Vivienne Jolie-Pitt wants a new dress, St. Angie summons 4 men in balaclavas to kidnap you in the dead of night, brings you to an unmarked warehouse somewhere in Cameroon, hands her assistant several hundred-year-old gold bars, which they then hands to you (you don’t get to touch the veiny extremities of the chosen!) and gives you 24 hours to create a unique child’s dress that will be worn once to a toy store in Australia, then promptly burned to a pile of ash.

The only person I can think of who is desperate enough to convince us they’re high-class and bougie enough for a $1,200 baby dress is Kris Jenner. You know she’s already put in an order for North West, Kourtney’s Kid (I cannot even bother to Google her name), and herself (“I’m practically the same size I was when I was 14!”)

 

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