So, Two Skeezers Walk Into A Bar…
Somebody nominate the janitor at 1Oak in NYC for a Congressional Medal of Honor, because anyone who has to clean up after these two is really putting their life on the line to protect the rest of us. Page Six reports that shortly after Miley Cyrus’s tongue made a guest appearance on SNL this weekend, she trotted down to 1Oak with some friends to celebrate a job well done and to get her hillbilly crotch grind on. Sensing another loopy mess was within her periphery, it was reported that none other than the Poster Girl of Predatory Friendships, Lindsay Lohan, slithered over to Miley’s table next to the DJ booth to make friends with Miley.
I know. However did that club not burst into flames from all the class and sophistication inside? Sarcasm.
Instead of politely asking Lindsay to take her patented brand of lowlife couture elsewhere and shoo-ing her greasy ass away from the table, Miley proved she really is down with grimy society and struck up a conversation with Lohan’s puffy-as-hayul face. Maybe Miley was trying to be ironic? Or crazy? Miley is that insane girl you know who will take on almost any dare (I didn’t say every dare; she’s not Ke$ha) so maybe she thought that hanging with a post-Liz and Dick, pre-Next Trip to Rehab Lindsay Lohan would give her more badass points? “Look at me, world! I’m doing MDMA with the High Priestess of Former Disney Stars turned Addict Messes!” – Miley (said while Lindsay mutters an incoherent drink order to the bartender).
After pushing their two tables together (more room for draaanks) Miley and Lindsay partied together, along with Lindsay’s supposed fuck piece Morgan O’Connor (white dude with dreads? Lindsay Lohan: Forever making good choices) and Miley’s litany of hangers-on and twerking coaches. I know you’re hoping for a happy ending where Lindsay asks Miley for her number and suggests they hang out again sometime, and Miley yells “SIKE! See you never, you C-list drunk!” but that doesn’t happen. Miley and Lindsay stayed till 5am and left the club together, at which point I don’t want to imagine the kind of gross, disgusting shit those two got up to, because I’m fresh out of brain bleach. But I will say this: whatever happened afterwards is something I’d love to hear explained by the deluded mind of Dina Lohan: “Lindsay is so committed to her sobriety and clean living, she decided to invite Miley to her 6am sunrise hot yoga class. You sweat a lot in that class, so it’s a good thing she was staying hydrated with lots of water all night long.“