We can all let out a giant huge sigh of relief, because rich celebwhore justice prevails again. A judge in DC today, put on a white velvet glove and gently slapped The Difficult Brown on the top of his right hand, reduced his felony assault charge to a misdemeanor and released him without bail. I know, for a minute there I thought they were actually going to punish The Difficult Brown as if he was a regular person. They really had me there. Thank God the justice system didn’t make all of us piss out our internal organs from shock over actually punishing Fist Brown.
Chris was arrested early on Sunday morning outside of the W Hotel in DC when he fisted a dude in the face. Team Difficult Brown says that the dude who got a fistful of The Difficult Brown tried to get on his bus and he made his bodyguard “handle it.” They say that Chris Brown’s fist never touched that dude’s face. The dude who got punched claims that Chris’ bodyguard did punch him, but so did Chris. The dude claims that Chris said, “I ain’t down wit that gay shit,” to him before punching him.
Chris and his bodyguard had been sitting in a jail cell since Sunday. TMZ says that today, the judge released them both and reduced both of their felony charges. Chris was told to stay 100 yards away from the victim. Chris was supposed to take a drug test, but the judge shooed that order away for some reason (and by “for some reason” I mean “because he’s a rich celebwhore” or “because Chris Brown gave the judge a quick beej and a b-hole finger massage”).
Some source close to The Difficult Brown tells E! that he doesn’t need jail, he needs rehab and therapy:
“He’s a good kid, but he keeps messing up. He needs help. He keeps self-medicating with weed and alcohol and that’s when he always gets in trouble. No one is making excuses for Chris. No one is condoning what he has done. But what people don’t realize is how bad it’s gotten for him. He has all this money and success and he keeps apologizing, but he continues to be one of the most hated people in the business. He gets depressed and then self-medicates. He has a lot of yes-people around him who don’t want to help. They just want the money and want to have a good time.”
“Weed and alcohol” is a really funny way of saying “meth and more meth,” because damn, Chris Brown looks like a hairy meth sore freshly ripped off of a meth face. His face is all meth. And the source has a point. Fist Brown needs a whole lot of help. He obviously suffers from some kind of disorder. I don’t have a degree in psychology, but I think I did a first year psychology student once (that practically makes me a licensed mental health professional), and in my professional opinion Chris Brown suffers from a mental disorder called being a complete fucking asshole. That’s the medical term for it.
Here’s the meth Sisqo leaving court in DC today with Mom Breezy.