In her latest attempt to make some cash money for her spendy ass self, Tori Spelling throws some random shade at Katie Holmes in her new book (via Radar), saying she “can’t sing for shit” along with calling her a plastic robot. Tori is the closest thing to a walking, talking hunk of plastic since Jeff from Today’s Special, so I’m sure she can smell her own, even through that pinched hunk of Silly Putty she calls a nose. In Spelling It Like It Is (uh… NO), she chronicles how they met at Trader Vic’s years ago when Katie was shooting Teaching Mrs. Tingle and Tori was still on 90210 and how “engaging” Katie was. A few years later, Tori was waiting for an appointment with a much-needed vocal coach when her delicate ears were assaulted.
“As I sat waiting outside his music room, I heard his prior appointment working with him in the other room. It was some actress singing horribly off-key … That made me feel better. I heard him say good-bye and then the actress walked out of the room. It was Katie Holmes.”
Tori blathered on about how Katie didn’t want to hug it out and be all buddy-buddy after not seeing each other for ten years after having drinks once, which makes it 100% obvious that Tori would be the worst and most clueless one night stand ever. You know the type- she corners you at the grocery store, tells you about every second of her life for the past five years but doesn’t even have the decency to remind you what her damn name is. She sashays off after sloppily kissing your cheek and throwing out a “call me!” as your junk start to inexplicably itch right before you remember she’s the chick that gave you crabs.
Since she undoubtedly has silicone for brains as well as boobs, Tori couldn’t think of anything to say and pulled out her patented move of using her kids as pawns.
She pulled out “the mommy card,” complimenting Holmes on her daughter, Suri and telling Holmes she had kids her own age.
Holmes didn’t bite, responding “Oh, do you?” Spelling claims.
“Then I was annoyed,” she writes.
“Come on. Okay, I know you’re busy. But you’re in the public eye. Don’t tell me you don’t follow the tabloids. Don’t tell me you don’t know anything about other celebrities and their kids.”
“Then we stood there,” she says. “She was just plastic. In a perfectly polite way. … My pits were drenched. I never sweat. It was that awkward. I thought, I know you’re not a robot because you can’t sing for shit …”
Katie took to her brand-new Twitter account with a “Mannequins don’t sweat. #blowfishplease”. Okay, she didn’t really tweet that, because she trying to figure out if she saw Tori standing motionless in a window at Macy’s. Is anybody surprised that Tori follows tabloids and can’t fathom a celebrity who doesn’t give a left nut fuck about other people or their kids? Tori is just bitter that she has to arrange her photo ops in advance while Katie can’t walk down the street with a damn cup of coffee without someone shoving a camera in her face.