Somebody Tell Britney That She’s Two Months Early With Our Christmas Presents

October 25, 2013 / Posted by:

I had to check the calendar to make sure I hadn’t fallen into an 8-week stupor and woken up on Dec. 25, because this morning I found a very special gift waiting for me on the internet (the internet is our shared Christmas Tree). Britney Jean Spears has unveiled the album art for her eighth studio album, Britney Jean, as well as a hand-written (drunk scrawled?) note.

I have SO MANY THOUGHTS about this album art right now, it’s as if my brain was just doused with an expired bottle of Midnight Fantasy. First, this photo of Britney looks like someone sent an assistant down to Hollywood and Highland to push past the Spiderman impersonators and find the guy who sells 8×10 graphite pencil portraits of celebrities for $9.99. Second, that neon heart logo is giving me shades of Cocktail, and I’m down with any and all references to a movie where Tommy Girl treats us to butch realness (see also: All the Right Moves). And finally, THAT NAME. “Britney Jean” is the name of the classiest lady who works at a Yankee Candle outlet in Bunkie, LA. It’s so perfect.

Okay, on to this letter. Britney (or an intern who’s being punished for fucking up yesterday’s Starbucks order) writes:

Dear Fans

I haven’t sat down to write you guys in SUCH a long time. Long overdue! We’re all so used to getting our thoughts out in 140 characters, but sometimes its nice to take time to sit down and write something a little longer and more personal. I am putting the finishing touches on my new album, “Britney Jean” over the next few days and I am so excited for you to hear it. I poured my heart and soul into this album and it’s been an incredible journey. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and as I am finishing, I am reminded of the incredible foundation that has supported me for the last 15 years. Thank you all for continuing to follow me on this journey and for allowing me to do what I love to do. I can’t believe this is my eighth studio album and I know I keep telling you that it is my most personal record yet, but its true and I’m really proud of that.

I have been through a lot in the past few years and it has really inspired me to dig deeper and write songs that I think everyone can relate to. Working with people like Sia, William Orbit, and of course Will.i.am has been an amazing experience. They have listened to all of my ideas and helped me bring them to life. There are a lot of really fun, upbeat dance songs, but it was important to me that I show my strength, and my attitude, and my vulnerability. Of course, I also have some surprises for you guys ;)

I want to show you the different sides of Britney Spears. I am a performer. I am a Mom. I am funny. I am your friend! I am Britney Jean.

Hope you love my labor of love!
Love Always,
Britney

“Incredible foundation that has supported me for the last 15 years” ie. Chester Cheetah, the good people at No Doz, Daddy Spears’s cheese grits, sweatpants. All jokes aside, I really want to know about these “surprises” she has in store for us; I honestly  thought I couldn’t learn anymore about Brit-Brit after watching every episode of Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. I love the end of that letter; it reads like the list you give to someone who wakes up from a coma.

Why am I wearing this cordless mic? (Checks list) Oh right, I’m a performer.”

“Who are these tiny Frapp-covered small people? (Checks list) It appears I’m a Mom; these must be my kids.”

“This guy claiming to be my boyfriend needs me to sign his pay check. What’s my name? (Checks list) Britney Jean? That’s weird, I don’t see anything on this list about working at Yankee Candle…

(Pic via Britney Spears)

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