Pauly D’s Baby Mama Is Revealed, And She’s Just As Elegant And Refined As You Imagined

I know you spent the last 24 hours pacing the floor in anticipation and wondering when we’d finally get to see the classic American beauty that Pauly D made a baby with. Who would have guessed that his type would be ‘grimy Atlantic City version of Backdoor Farrah’? I know, we’ve all collapsed from shock (or for those of you who’ve had contact with The Situation, Toxic Shock Syndrome). Proving once again that everyone gets to set 15 minutes on the fame whore clock, we have a new extravagant jewel to help us to temporarily forget about the last one that rolled under the couch (Courtney Stodden, you’re fine; stay there till we need you).

Discovering the identity of a crusty piece of trash’s baby mama is kind of like 2013’s version of a Debutante Ball. Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m very proud to present to you all Miss Amanda Markert (is it market or marker? WHY NOT BOTH!) Miss Amanda is a proud alumnus of Hooters, a restaurant-slash-finishing school with a long history of producing classy sophisticated women for generations.

From what I’ve gathered in my rudimentary snooping as a slow-version Jessica Fletcher (aka reading TMZ), I can tell you the following:
1. She’s a college student who’s studying Forensics (something that grew out of a two-week TiVo obsession with David Boreanaz in Bones, no doubt)
2. She named Pauly D’s baby Amabella (I can’t I can’t I can’t)
3. She just wants to dress her baby in the finest accessories and costumes. You’re a millionaire, Pauly D: BUY YOUR BABY SOME EFFING COSTUMES ALREADY!

Since stone-cold dum-dums get together and bareback everyday, this shouldn’t really be news. HOWEVER, here’s what makes it juicier than a bottle of hair glue: Pauly D thinks Amanda Markert is an unfit mother because she worked at Hooters and has another child, so he wants full custody of Amabella (I still can’t). I know; a professional record player with Fraggle hair and a Dollar Tree spray tan is now an expert in parenting.

Pauly D needs to man-up and back a dump truck full of DJ Dollars into the driveway of her Egg Harbor, NJ duplex and make this whole mess blow over. The pictures of Rob Kardashian and Brody Jenner on Amanda Markert’s Instagram are very telling; I get the feeling that the longer she goes without child support, the sooner she goes on New Jersey local news to cry about how millionaire DJ Pauly D won’t buy her baby accessories and costumes (Fame Step.1), which then leads to interviews on national news (Fame Step 2.), and that of course leads to the greasy sleaze balls at Vivid knocking on her door with a cartoonishly-large sack of money to star in “I Had Pauly’s D” (Expert Fame Level COMPLETE).

(Pic via Instagram)