When pictures of White Oprah and Lindsay Lohan comes up on photo agency sites, I immediately put contacts (aka retina condoms) over my eyes and hide any bags of the good shit I have laying out (I’m not entirely convinced that they can’t steal through laptop screens). But pictures of Nana Lohan have the opposite effect on me. Nana Lohan (real name: Ann Sullivan) is the Marilyn Munster of the Lohans and I’m sure she didn’t give birth to White Oprah. Nana Lohan witnessed a cracked out hyena give birth to White Oprah in a back alley way and being the saint that she is, she took White Oprah in. Anyway, today on Long Island, White Oprah brought her secret weapon, Nana Lohan, to a court hearing in her DUI case.
White Oprah should’ve only brought Nana Lohan and left her mess of a lawyer Mark Heller in the troll cave where he lives, because he made things worse. TMZ says that Mark used his tiny, little orange leprechaun claws to pull the most ridiculous defense out of his tiny, little orange troll hole. Mark told the judge that the paparazzi are to blame for White Oprah driving while under the influence of EVERYTHING that night. No, Mark wasn’t saying it was a Princess Diana situation. Mark says that the paparazzi following her around causes her stress which makes her reach for the Svedka bottle. TMZ put it like this:
Here’s the argument … Dina’s lifestyle presents lots of challenges and stress, brought on by the barrage of photogs that follow her. Those stresses caused Dina to down enough alcohol to register a .20 blood alcohol level as she tooled down the road. Short story — it’s our fault, not hers.
So he’s blaming White Oprah’s booze problems on the paparazzi who only show up because she texts them with her exact location? Next, Mark Heller is going to sue Russia for making vodka. Then he’s going to sue Karl Benz’s estate for inventing the automobile. Then he’s going to sue BMW for making a car that’s difficult to operate if you’re drunk as shit. Bridge tolls make terrible lawyers, but they make amazing court room comedians.
Mark Heller gets an A++ in creativity and fuckery, but if he really wanted the charges thrown out, he would’ve just made Nana Lohan speak to the court. As soon as Nana Lohan said, “Please free my daughter,” the judge would’ve torn up the file, thrown out the charges and the court would’ve given White Oprah free drink tickets for ruining her buzz by pulling her over. CASE CLOSED! NOT GUILTY! Nana Lohan has spoken!