Jamie Dornan Is Christian Grey

After Charlie Hunnam dropped out and Robert Pattinson passed and Garrett Hedlund passed and Ryan Gosling passed and your dealer passed and my dealer passed and the man who cuts your lawn every other Thursday passed and EVERYONE passed, Universal and Focus Features finally found a dude who took their check for $125,000, shrugged and said, “Sure I’ll be in this literal shit. Why not!”

Variety says that Keira Knightley’s ex-piece Jamie Dornan has been cast as  Christian Grey in Fifty Shades of Grey. The model turned actor, who was in Once Upon a Time and The Fall, read with Dakota Johnson along with Billy Magnussen. After the Charlie Hunnam mess, the director Sam Taylor-Johnson and producers decided to look for a mostly unknown who really doesn’t give a fuck. Sam and the producers planned to test more actors, but they didn’t and gave the role Jamie.

Universal and Focus wouldn’t confirm or deny that they cast Jamie.

Jamie played that hot Swedish count in Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette and that’s his biggest movie role to date, so I guess signing onto Fifty Shades of Shit isn’t the worst move. But I’m still going to believe that the producers hired Dylan McDermott to kidnap Jamie’s family and keep them hostage in their own house until Jamie finishes shooting this mess of a movie. Yes, I just admitted that I’m the only person in the world who watches Hostages. I’m also going to admit that I will put on a disguise to go to the midnight screening of Fifty Shades, because I’m looking at that picture and thinking to myself that I really want to see that bare ass in motion on a big screen. My mind is saying NOOOOO, but my body is saying YEEEEEEESSSSSS.