The Easiest Way To Get Ryan Reynolds To Take Off His Shirt (Or Cashmere Sweater)

October 21, 2013 / Posted by:

Ryan Reynolds spends 98% of his day doing ab crunches (it’s better than listening to Blake NotSoLively dribble out being a life curator or whatever), so you’d think he’d just walk around topless all the time since there’s no point in having a body as buff as a vintage Chyna action figure if you’re not going to show it off at all times. But apparently, Ryan does wear tops every now and again and he wore one on a Delta flight from NYC to New Orleans two Sundays ago. According to Radar, Ryan’s top didn’t stay on that long, though.

Some witness type told Radar that Ryan and Blake NotSoLively were sitting in front of a drunken mess who kept spewing up red wine barf all over the place and her vomit sprayed all over his cashmere sweater. Drunk barfing on a plane is gross and I don’t ever recommend doing it, but if you’re going to do it, make sure you drunk barf all over Ryan Reynolds’ cashmere sweater so he’ll have to take it off. The witness said:

“About two-thirds of the way into the flight, a young lady in front of him in 1D vomited toward her window, which then spewed back all over Ryan’s beige cashmere sweater. She had clearly had too much to drink, causing her to be sick. The vomit looked like it was largely made up of red wine, and it made a huge stain on Ryan’s sweater. So he took it off!

The flight attendants were doing the best they could with giving him napkins. They tried to pretend like nothing happened. The vomiting was quiet, and I think they were all going to try to just hide what happened, but the smell was rancid! Also, you couldn’t help but notice Ryan taking off his shirt!”

The definition of “first world problems” needs to be updated to read: “When you get red wine barf on your cashmere sweater while sitting in first class.” 

I have so many questions about this highly important news story. Why didn’t that drunk trick yack into a barf bag? Do airlines charge extra for barf bags too?! Is Ryan Reynolds one of those weird ass bitches who doesn’t wear a t-shirt under his cashmere sweater (not that I’m complaining)?! Does he not wear a t-shirt under his sweater because he loves the sensation of soft cashmere gently brushing across his muscled-up nipples? Was the drunk trick watching the Green Lantern before she barfed? (Tip: You should never do that when you’re already suffering from an upset stomach.) When Ryan pulled his cashmere sweater off, did the entire first class section barf out panty pudding through their genitals (that is a natural reaction to seeing Ryan’s nipples live and in person)?  I have so many questions!

And now I know that if you ever want to see a hot piece take his top off, just barf on him. (Warning: That pick-up move may get you a punch in the mouth instead of a glimpse of man nipples.)

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