As Chris Christie dealt with gay marriage going live in New Jersey at 12:01 this morning by rage eating a rolled-up extra large Domino’s Philly Cheese Steak Pizza filled with a half-dozen Awesome Blossoms while lying naked in a giant human-sized sourdough bowl full of Betty Crocker coconut pecan frosting, America’s first gay family tried to win at Halloween again.
Every year, Neil Patrick Harris, his betrothed David Burtka and their twins, Harper and Gideon, dress up as a theme for Halloween and this year they all went as characters from Alice in Wonderland. NPH Instagrammed this picture of his family Halloween’d up for a costume carnival at their kids’ preschool on Saturday.
Ice cold bitterness runs through my veins and my heart is a rotten mound of ground up bitchiness, so seeing NPH and his family look like the true definition of adorable makes barf spew out of every pore on my dead soul. We get it! You’re perfect! You’re adorable! You make the sun brighter! You make the sky bluer! You make the clouds fluffier! You make bunnies bouncier! Ugh.
I kind of want to marry a gazillionaire (because that’s so easy to do), buy the mansion across from NPH’s mansion, get a couple of kids and raise them to be bitter, dead-hearted assholes like me. Every Halloween, we’ll sit on the curb in front of our house as a family and dry heave when NPH and his perfect family come out of their perfect house in their perfect costumes being all perfect and all adorable.