Kendra Wilkinson’s Whole Family Is Crazy

October 19, 2013 / Posted by:

Kendra Wilkinson’s…wait, hold up. She’s still a thing? This conversation I had with the husband during our umpteenth Golden Girls rerun on WE sums up Kendra for me and many, many others.

The scene: An ad for Kendra On Top plays every ten minutes during the one where Blanche is trying to remember the name of the soldier dude she fucked before he went off to the Gulf War and she figures out he was actually her Valtrex supplier.

The husband: Who’s that?
Me: Kendra Wilkinson
The husband: Who’s she?
Me: She fucked on Hef and got some shows out of it?
The husband: ….
Me: She got kicked off Dancing With The Stars for farting?
The husband: …
Me: She has a really annoying laugh?
The husband: This bitch is famous?

Precisely.

Kendra’s family has just given us a clue as to why a girl would consider getting into an orgy line for carbon-dated peen to be a career goal.They’re all out of their damn minds. According to TMZ and Radar Online, Kendra’s mom Patti and her bro Colin are pissed at her because they were the last to know about her upcoming contribution to our overpopulation problem. Ma Wilkinson says that a phone convo with Kendra about her pregnancy got ugly and claims her daughter told her to go die. Patti feels that Hollywood has changed Kendra. Lady, you try keeping it sexy when your main john constantly douses your sexual heat with frequent colostomy bag drainings and see if you don’t turn jaded!

This led to brother Colin Wilkinson calling his sister “a psychotic bitch” who can go straight to hell and Tweeting that she was “inconsiderate”. Psychotic bitch who can go straight to hell I could live with (and proudly), but inconsiderate? Fuck you!

This whole thing is some obvious Kendra On Top script grist and marketing. Because who needs to know if someone is pregnant? Seriously, wake me when the baby comes (and I’ll come by to see it when I’m damn good and ready). Pregnancy causes traumatic social awkwardness and body horror for everyone involved. I was invited to put my hand on a gal’s stomach to feel her baby kick one time, did so, and it made me wish we were all shiny androids without bodily functions. Terrifying.

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