Vanity Fair Wants To Know If Goopy Paltrow Cheated On Chris Martin With This Billionaire

October 18, 2013 / Posted by:

Vanity Fair’s head bitch Graydon Carter has declared war on Goopy Paltrow after she refused to speak to them for a cover story and told all of her friends to blacklist their asses (that really worked). Graydon isn’t going to let Goopy slap at his ass lips without doing anything about it and he promised to get revenge on her by publishing an “epic takedown” cover story. I’m sure while he’s working on that story, he’s going to sneak into her mansion and replace her red panda placenta shampoo with Suave and put dog shit from a mutt (not even a purebred) in her outdoor wood-burning pizza oven. Page Six says that Graydon plans to expose all of Goopy’s darkest secrets. This is like a really boring episode of Dynasty if Alexis Carrington was a 64-year-old editor dude of a magazine and Krystle Carrington was a really pretentious dehydrated piece of jicama.

A source tells the Post that Vanity Fair’s “researchers” have been asking fancy bitches in Miami what they knew about Goopy’s relationship with billionaire hotel mogul Jeff Soffer (seen above looking like what shows up at your door when you order a bottom tier JFK Jr. impersonator). Jeff Soffer owns the Fontainebleau, is married to Elle Macpherson and he’s considered “Miami royalty.” The source said that Jeff flew Goopy into Miami for the reopening of the Fontainbleau in 2008 and gave her a “private” tour of his hotel. Goopy stayed at his house and during that same trip, they partied in a private section together at a Victoria’s Secret party.

Goopy and Jeff spokeswhores didn’t have anything to say about the Post’s story.

This better not be the juiciest piece of escandalosoness in VF’s supposed “takedown” story. Where are the stories from her maid about how they once caught her on her marble bathroom floor scraping the cheese off of a Big Mac box with her teeth while crying about how the preservatives heal her pain? Where are the pictures of her cooking a Tombstone pizza in her outdoor wood-burning pizza oven? Where is the interview from a plumber who worked for Goopy and confirms that fake bitch’s toilet is filled with regular tap water instead of the tears of Martha Stewart?

I mean, a story about how Goopy might’ve gooped all over some billionaire’s dick is about as shocking as finding out that nothing brings Chris Martin joy like eating McDonald’s french fries out of his side piece’s twat.

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