I’ve never really thought Goopy Paltrow was trying to be the next Martha Stewart. Sure, they both have hair as icy as their hearts and will slap their butler’s hand with a hot ladle if the silverware isn’t set out right. But other than that, they’re kind of different. Martha Stewart slaps her name on products sold at Kmart and Goopy can’t even completely say Kmart without her maid putting a rare ginger candy made by a tribe in the Himalayas in her mouth to stop the dry heaving. Martha hawks her shit at Home Depot and Goopy doesn’t even really know what Home Depot is. She thinks it’s only an employment center where you hire day laborers. But Bloomberg TV (via The Cut) asked Martha Stewart what she thinks of Goopy Paltrow trying to be the next her. Martha let a bony, stringy-haired trick know that she better bow down to the original.
“I haven’t eaten at Gwyneth’s house. And I’ve never seen how she lives. But if she is authentic, all the better. I mean, and I certainly hope she is. She really wants to be part of the lifestyle business … Gwyneth for example, has a book on the best-seller list. She must be doing something right. She’s a charming, pretty person who has a feeling for lifestyle. She wants to be a lifestyle arbiter. Fine. Good. I think I started this whole category of lifestyle.”
Translation: “Let the amateur have her little fun while the true boss perfects the world one neurotic napkin fold at a time.”
And I never knew I wanted a Martha vs. GOOP feud until now. Can we have one and then fast forward to the part where Martha takes us to the cell block by pulling an opal shiv on a bitch when Goopy accuses her of using button mushrooms instead of white truffles in her risotto?