Singer, songwriter and Evel Knievel’s fashion twin Sufjan Stevens took a break from writing albums inspired by North Dakota, South Carolina, Maine, Rhode Island, Oregon and all the other damn states to join in on all the open letter foolery. Sufjan didn’t grab Miley’s lizard tongue and drag her around the playground because he thinks she’s whoring her naked body out for music executives and he’s not calling her out for having bad tongue hygiene (seriously, when is somebody going to call that bitch out for her lack of tongue hygiene). Sufjan wrote an open letter to Miley, because he’s concerned about her grammar skills. Yes, this is a joke (I think).
I can’t stop listening to #GetItRight (great song, great message, great body), but maybe you need a quick grammar lesson. One particular line causes concern: “I been laying in this bed all night long.” Miley, technically speaking, you’ve been LYING, not LAYING, an irregular verb form that should only be used when there’s an object, i.e. “I been laying my tired booty on this bed all night long.” Whatever. I’m not the best lyricist, but you know what I mean. #Get It Right The Next Time. But don’t worry, even Faulkner messed it up. We all make mistakes, and surely this isn’t your worst misdemeanor. But also, Miley, did you know the tense here is also totally wrong. Surely you’ve heard of Present Perfect Continuous Tense (I HAVE BEEN LYING in this bed all night long [hopefully getting some beauty sleep?]). It’s a weird, equivocal, almost purgatorial tense, not quite present, not quite past, not quite here, not quite there. Somewhere in between. I feel that way all the time. It kind of sucks. But I have a feeling your “present perfect continuous” involves a lot more excitement than mine. Anyway, doesn’t that also sum up your career right now? Present. Perfect. Continuous. And Tense. Intense? Girl, you work it like Mike Tyson. Miley, I love you because you’re the Queen, grammatically and anatomically speaking. And you’re the hottest cake in the pan. Don’t ever grow old. Live brightly before your fire fades into total darkness.
You know how in horror movies when a monster is coming at a whore and the whore’s friend tries to get the monster to come at them instead by screaming “Hey, bitch, your mom’s a slut!” That’s kind of what Sufjan Stevens did without knowing it. When Sinead realizes that Sufjan is making fun of open letter writers, she’s going to turn away from Miley and direct her open letter wrath on him. Sufjan, you don’t know what you’ve started, girl.