The #1 label in the Ninth Circle of HELL, Ark Music Factory, started leaving welts on the inside of our ears with Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and now they’re back with another spirit-murdering shit song from the dark-side that’ll make you Google the question, “Is there some kind of dance I can do to summon a giant meteor to Earth?”
Patrice Wilson, the head of Ark and the dude who wrote “Friday,” also wrote little Alison Gold’s song “Chinese Food.” The subtitles are in different languages, so everybody in the world can understand this fucked-up shit together! I watched all 3 minutes and 28 seconds of it and made a list of all the things wrong with this mess. Here’s my list:
This wreck starts with little Alison walking the streets in the daylight after ballin’ and clubbin’ all night. White Oprah must be her mom. Then she goes to some children’s only Chinese restaurant and orders some food from a fellow 12-year-old who’s working the cash register. Alison sits down, sings all the items on the menu and then reads her fortune which should’ve read: “RUN, GIRL, RUN, THERE’S A CREEPY PEDOPANDA BEHIND YOU!” But since the noodles she ate were obviously laced with acid, she goes skipping through the park with PedoPanda (who’s PedoBear’s Chinese cousin) and they end up at a girls slumber party. The plot twist you saw coming comes when the panda pulls off his head and it’s Patrice Wilson. No, there’s absolutely nothing shady and ILLEGAL about a grown man in a panda suit playing Monopoly with a bunch of little tweens at a slumber party. How is Patrice Wilson not on all the lists?
Just when I thought I overdosed on MSF (monosodium fuckery), little Alison and her little friends come out dressed up like Japanese Geishas and sing about how much they love Chinese food.
I would call 911, but I’m sure it’s busy since everybody is calling 911 to report this shit!