Back in June, throat cancer survivor Michael Douglas blamed his illness on eatin’ box lunch. That’s a euphemism. Then he retracted that so his estranged wife Catherine Zeta-Jones wouldn’t be getting nervous looks from her esthetician down at the bikini waxin’ parlor. It turns out all this pussy accusation controversy was for naught, because he didn’t HAVE throat cancer. He had tongue cancer! Wait, someone hop on Web MD and find out if HPV can give you tongue cancer, too. You can trust Web MD. That’s how I found out I had dropsy and that the skin tag my brother had meant he was a dying hermaphrodite.
In an interview with Samuel L. Jackson on the UK’s This Morning (via People), Gordon Gekko revealed that he covered up his actual diagnosis to deter the media from asking about the brutal surgery associated with tongue cancer.
The surgeon said, ‘Let’s just say it’s throat cancer,'” the Last Vegas star reveals, explaining that the doctor told him that if they had to do surgery for tongue cancer “it’s not going to be pretty,” and that Douglas faced losing part of his jaw and tongue.
Rather than having to discuss possible facial disfigurement with scores of reporters on the press tour, they decided to disguise the truth.
That’s all well and good but what about the libel suit that his wife’s muffin should be filing? No wonder why the bitch was checking into mental health facilities and finally decided to leave him. He had the world thinking her vagina was murdering people! Laura Linney’s character on The Big C originally blamed her cancer on Zeta-Jones snatch before a rewrite.
In other news, Samuel L. Jackson hosts a talk show in the UK? He is one busy bitch. Get your pussy-slanderin’ cancer lies off his motherfuckin’ talk show, MD!