In an interview with The Guardian, Chris Brown claimed that he first had sex when he was 8. He explained that “it’s different in the country”. What country? Neverland Ranch?
The Difficult Brown explained that he and his cousins watched tons of porn and that made them rarin’ to go. Don’t worry. This cautionary tale from the Virginia Department of Social Services gets even squickier.
“At eight, being able to do it, it kind of preps you for the long run, so you can be a beast at it. You can be the best at it.”
You certainly have the beast part down, Breezy. They start em’ early in WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE’S PARENTS Land. This is another piece of the “Why Is Chris Brown Such A Demented Asshole?” puzzle. Do you think he approaches the gals with lines like “I’m going to shit in your eye, and open the passenger side window with your head. It’s ok, baby. I’ve been doing this since I was 8. You moist already, right?”
8? 8. When I was 8, I was really into Fruit Loops and still had an imaginary friend. I don’t think I was even aware of my penis except for the times when I would wet myself in anticipation of the ice cream truck.
Here’s Chris leaving Icon in LA last month. Yes, that is a solid gold, diamond-encrusted T-Rex around his neck. It stabs me in the soul that I want one.