SURVIVOR SPOILER ALERT! SURVIVOR SPOILER ALERT!
On this season of Survivor, past contestants play against their loved ones and Survivor: One World’s melodramatic Southern belle Colton Cumbie found himself on the opposite tribe of his boyfriend Caleb. On the first episode of Survivor: Blood vs Water, Colton said that he came back to the game, because he wants to show everyone that he’s not a whiny, spoiled cunt who throws a hissy fit tantrum and theatrically exits stage left whenever things don’t go his way. Colton is really a changed person and by that I mean that he hasn’t changed at all.
The last time Colton played Survivor, he suddenly came down with appendicitis and had to quit the game. Colton didn’t come down with another case of appendicitis this time, but he did come down with a serious case of dramaticbitchitis. On last week’s episode, Colton realized that the game isn’t really going his way and instead of playing the game by trying to turn things around, he threatened to quit and during this week’s episode, he did.
Colton channeled Susan Lucci when he turned on the tears and dramatically told Jeff Probst that he wants to quit the game again. Jeff Probst wasn’t letting a melodramatic bitch get away that easily. Jeff called Colton out for faking appendicitis during Survivor: One World to get out of the game (Colton didn’t have appendicitis, but he did have some kind of infection) and then continued to lash at him. After Jeff finished dragging Colton around by the hair, he let Colton out of the game and that ho ran into the arms of Caleb. Click ahead to the 2:05 mark to watch gay drama at its finest.
YAAASSS! I’ve always wanted to know what it would look like if Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler played Survivor together. Fuck, Jeff Probst in his mean mouth, though. This is the hardest thing that Colton has EVER had to endure. Actually, that’s not true. The hardest thing that Colton went through was the time his only black friend (aka his housekeeper) called in sick and he had to stir the sugar in his orange pekoe tea by himself.
After Colton threw his hand over his forehead and sashayed away, his boyfriend Caleb said that he’s glad Colton quit because he doesn’t have to worry about that mess anymore. And here’s what Colton had to say about quitting.
“And sometimes you have to make big moves to protect your king… Sometimes you have to sacrifice the queen early and that’s what I’m doing.” Colton shouldn’t be on Survivor. That queen should be on Game of Thrones.