The Kartrashians Wish They Were As Beautimous As This

Here’s Mama June and her band of deep fried balls of butter as Lucifer’s favorite whores the Kardashians. I know you’re looking at these pictures and wondering why they all went as Khloe, but they’re all different Kartrashians. Uncle Poodle and Mama June are Kim, Honey Boo Boo is Pimp Mama Kris, Chubbs is Khloe, Chickadee is Kourtney, Sugar Bear is Bruce and Pumpkin is Scott Isadick.

If the Kardashians had souls, had butter running through their veins instead of the black blood of Satan and were filled with cheese balls instead of Botox, this is exactly what they would look like. It’s perfect and a million times better than the real thing. If being the Sketti Sauce Queen of Georgia doesn’t work out for Mama June, she should be Kim Kardashian’s double. If she perfected the whole “dead-eyed whore” look, she’d be a dead ringer.

And Sugar Bear needed to stuff his tank top and wear a mask of fried bologna to fully nail Bruce Jenner. Honestly, Mama June’s Forklift Foot should’ve been Bruce.

via People

A Tub Full Of Happy: Sir Patrick Stewart In A Lobster Costume On Halloween

The last time I found a member of the shellfish family floating in my tub, I was not happy to see that bitch, because it meant I had to take my ass to Walgreens to buy another box of RID. Did you know that with every purchase of a box of RID you get a complimentary judgmental glare from the Walgreens cashier ringing you up?

But you know, I wouldn’t be pissed about getting crotch crustaceans if every crotch crustacean had a face like Sir Patrick Stewart’s. The world would be a much happier place if you saw Patrick Stewart’s face smiling at you when you looked down at your crotch bush after getting an itch. Getting crotch crustaceans would be a fucking happy occasion if they all looked like this!

And Patrick Stewart’s looking at us like he wants us to provide the drawn better. Wink wink. Happy Hallowpeen from Sir Patrick Lobster!

via @sirpatstew

Their First Clue Should Have Been When He Failed To Pee On Anyone

HuffPo is reporting that R. Kelly fans in Louisiana are remix-level angry after paying $150 to see R. Kelly perform at a promotional party for his upcoming album Black Panties, only to realize they were watching an R. Kelly impersonator. This sounds like the wacky hijinks of Will Smith and Carlton Banks, but it can’t be; Will is too busy reading The Way to Happiness in Tom Cruise’s treehouse (NO GIRLS ALLOWED) and Carlton is hosting a spelling bee gameshow (I wish I had just typed a joke, but I did not).

Since we should all get familiar with what happened before we set our PVRs to record R. Kelly vs. Louisiana R. Kelly Fans on Judge Judy (I WISH) here’s how everything went down. R. Kelly was scheduled to appear and perform at the Monroe Civic Centre on Oct. 26 for an event that was billed as “The Black Panties Promo Party”. Just by taking a quick buffet-swipe at the All Black Affair/R. Kelly Black Panties event on Facebook, there are at least 10 examples of the words Live, Performing, R. Kelly, and Will be in attendance. I think I even saw the phrase “Yes, R. Kelly will be here, for real, I promise, pinky-swear” a couple of times too. So when people paid $150 for tickets to one of Louisiana’s hottest events (second only to The Louisiana Springtime Chicken-Fried Gator Drop & Bayou Pageant) they thought they’d hear R. Kelly sing some songs from Black Panties (a piece of me dies every time I type ‘panties’).

According to one attendee, it was close to 1am by the time R. Kelly took the stage, and even through several layers of drank clouding their vision, people could tell something was up. R. Not Kelly (as we’ll call him from here on out) lip-synched (FOR HIS LIIIIIFE) for all of 4 minutes before exiting stage-left, and that’s when the audience channeled their inner Keith Morrison and Dateline NBC investigated their asses all over this tomfoolery. It doesn’t take a genius to know that R. Not Kelly was an impostor and everyone who spent $150 took to social media to let loose on R. Kelly in a fury of ALL CAPS and frustrated-looking emojis. To respond, a representative of R. Kelly reached out to Pitchfork, who told them that the event was billed as featuring an “appearance” from R. Kelly, not a concert, and that he was, in fact, there.

What in Twilight Zone hell is going on here?? A man claiming to be R. Kelly mouths the words to Bump n’ Grind, leaves in a cloud of mystery, then the real R. Kelly declares that this mystery man who looks nothing like him or sounds like him was him all along? There’s no word on whether or not attendees of the Black Panties party (please let that be the last time I type that) will receive refunds for their lip-synched concert, but I’m guessing not. If that were the case, Britney Spears would bankrupt every venue she’s ever performed at.

(Pic: KNOE via Pitchfork)

Afternoon Crumbs

Note to shameless fame whores: selling the news that you’re knocked up to a tabloid is so over. The new way to announce you’ve got a gut full of baby is by sharing the news in a tweet sponsoed by ClearBlue. Update your game! – Jezebel

Lady CaCa celebrates Thursday (“Halloween, huh?” – CaCa) by dressing up as a white geisha shat up by a shell – Lainey Gossip

At this point, I think Kim Kardashian has a drawer full of plastic noses and wears a different one every day – The Berry

Rude thoughtless little pig is a rude thoughtless little pig – Celebitchy

Kelly Ripa’s Miley Cyrus costume is invalid without a thick layer of yeast infection discharge on her tongue – The Superficial

Christina Milian goes as camouflage for Halloween, which is kind of redundant since nobody really notices her anyway. (I don’t mean that, Love Don’t Cost A Thing is a masterpiece) – Hollywood Tuna

Bethanny Frankelstein needs to eat some of that candy she’s wearing – Reality Tea

Monica Bellucci on Vanity Fair Italy – Drunken Stepfather

Happy Chloe-e-ween – Towleroad

Katharine McPhee’s status as “side piece” is not going to get upgraded to “full-time piece” – IDLYITW

Random is MiserAlba sucking on Pierce Brosnan’s hairy face – Popoholic

Kanye West’s Yeezus tour is about as stable as his sanity – HuffPo

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson throw the ROBSTENIS4EVERUNBROKEN cult members a bone – ICYDK

Are we sure Crispy Ronaldo isn’t really selling brow waxing kits, because his eyebrow situation is re-defining delicateness and exquisiteness – Buzzfeed

Not linking to Tim Curry singing “Anything Can Happen on Halloween” on October 31st is an illegal act, so here’s Tim Curry singing “Anything Can Happen on Halloween” – OMG Blog

Joshua Jackson’s hair fur is shaped like a Y. That’s all I’ve got. – Just Jared

It’s Soooookeh and Beeeeehl’s twins! – Popsugar

If Rita Ora glued piles of hay on top of her head, it would look more lush than that crap she’s got on her head now – Moe Jackson

Something to file under: POR QUE???!!!!!!!! – Videogum

And let’s end these links with the best Halloween costume of the year – I’m Not Obsessed

Please Welcome To The Stage Your ‘Latarian Milton School Of Hoodrat Stuff’ Valedictorian Of 2013

The minute I read about Justin Bieber’s latest display of Muppet Babies Bad-Asserry, I threw up my arms in a manner identical to this GIF and knew that today was going to be a tough one for me. As one of you guessed yesterday (due to my butchering of the word ‘neighborhood’) I am a Canadian person. As such, for the past 4 years (or however long this misbehaved come-to-life Kewpie doll has been terrorizing culture) I have had to constantly apologize for Justin Bieber. So I’ll begin the same way I do any time the words “Justin Bieber” are mentioned: I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. Canada is so sorry.

So what has Justin Bieber done this time to prove to us that he’s a Class-1 Bad Boy? According to TMZ, Latarian Milton’s #1 Fan asked his bodyguard to go to the art store and buy him some spray paint (because you have to be over 18 to buy spray paint. “Shhhh! They don’t have to know it’s for me! I’m so bad!” – Justin) so he could express his feelings regarding Chris Brown’s trip to rehab through graffiti. Bieber’s really crummy-looking message of “FREE BREEZY” (which sounds like the Dollar Tree version of Febreze) was sprayed on a wall in Bogota, Colombia (my 3rd Grade Pen Pal lived there; her letters were sad) where street art is permitted, but you know he would have done it anyway even if it was illegal, because he’s so TOUGH.

Not being content with his eye-rolling defence of The Most Arrogant Man in the World (“I don’t always try to beat the shit out of people, but when I do…oh wait, no, I’m constantly trying to beat the shit out of people”) Justin Bieber embarrassed himself even further by spray painting a pot leaf with a maple leaf inside it and a tribute to his dead hamster, Pac. In case you were curious as to what that deafeningly-loud whoosh of air you just heard was, it was me releasing the most I Can’t-sounding sigh in the universe.

Justin Bieber is probably on Wikipedia right now editing his page to include ‘graffiti artist’ in his never-ending list of occupations. Fun fact! Along with Singer-songwriter, Musician, and Dancer, he also includes Actor (EXCUSE ME??) and Investor (HOLD LE PHONE). I think you now understand why I get tired of introducing myself as: “Hi, I’m Allison, and I too hope that one day Justin Bieber gets deported.”

There is one hero in this story and, no, it’s not the decaying body of Pac (who is breathing a sigh of relief up in Hammy Heaven and telling Saint Squeaker “Thank god I’m finally dead”). It’s whoever wrote ‘Chicken Shit’ underneath Justin’s ‘FREE BREEZY’. I don’t know if they were referring to Chris Brown or Justin Bieber, but either way, I need to hunt them down like the Predator and give them a giant hug.

(Pic via TMZ)

Open Post: Hosted By Ellen As Nicki Minaj

First, Miley Cyrus as Lil Kim, then Ellen as Nicki Minaj… I’m sniffing a trend here. I wonder which white chick is going to dress up as the greatest female rapper of every generation Khia? I hope it’s Betty White.

While wearing a luscious pair of non-biodegradable chichis from Boobs4Queens.com and a padded ass made from the same stuff that Nicki Minaj’s ass is made from, Ellen Degeneres hosted her show today as the Hip Hop Grand Dame of Muppetland. Portia better Vaseline up her face before she motorboats or she’s going to have skid marks on her cheeks.

And if you really want to see Ellen try to twerk, here’s Ellen trying to twerk.

Well, I guess somebody had to make Miley look like the captain of the twerk team and Ellen is that someone.