Archives: October 2013

The Kartrashians Wish They Were As Beautimous As This

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

Here’s Mama June and her band of deep fried balls of butter as Lucifer’s favorite whores the Kardashians. I know you’re looking at these pictures and wondering why they all went as Khloe, but they’re all different Kartrashians. Uncle Poodle and Mama June are Kim, Honey Boo Boo is Pimp Mama Kris, Chubbs is Khloe, Chickadee is Kourtney, Sugar Bear is Bruce and Pumpkin is Scott Isadick.

If the Kardashians had souls, had butter running through their veins instead of the black blood of Satan and were filled with cheese balls instead of Botox, this is exactly what they would look like. It’s perfect and a million times better than the real thing. If being the Sketti Sauce Queen of Georgia doesn’t work out for Mama June, she should be Kim Kardashian’s double. If she perfected the whole “dead-eyed whore” look, she’d be a dead ringer.

And Sugar Bear needed to stuff his tank top and wear a mask of fried bologna to fully nail Bruce Jenner. Honestly, Mama June’s Forklift Foot should’ve been Bruce.

honeyboobookardashian2

via People

A Tub Full Of Happy: Sir Patrick Stewart In A Lobster Costume On Halloween

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

The last time I found a member of the shellfish family floating in my tub, I was not happy to see that bitch, because it meant I had to take my ass to Walgreens to buy another box of RID. Did you know that with every purchase of a box of RID you get a complimentary judgmental glare from the Walgreens cashier ringing you up?

But you know, I wouldn’t be pissed about getting crotch crustaceans if every crotch crustacean had a face like Sir Patrick Stewart’s. The world would be a much happier place if you saw Patrick Stewart’s face smiling at you when you looked down at your crotch bush after getting an itch. Getting crotch crustaceans would be a fucking happy occasion if they all looked like this!

And Patrick Stewart’s looking at us like he wants us to provide the drawn better. Wink wink. Happy Hallowpeen from Sir Patrick Lobster!

via @sirpatstew

Their First Clue Should Have Been When He Failed To Pee On Anyone

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

HuffPo is reporting that R. Kelly fans in Louisiana are remix-level angry after paying $150 to see R. Kelly perform at a promotional party for his upcoming album Black Panties, only to realize they were watching an R. Kelly impersonator. This sounds like the wacky hijinks of Will Smith and Carlton Banks, but it can’t be; Will is too busy reading The Way to Happiness in Tom Cruise’s treehouse (NO GIRLS ALLOWED) and Carlton is hosting a spelling bee gameshow (I wish I had just typed a joke, but I did not).

Since we should all get familiar with what happened before we set our PVRs to record R. Kelly vs. Louisiana R. Kelly Fans on Judge Judy (I WISH) here’s how everything went down. R. Kelly was scheduled to appear and perform at the Monroe Civic Centre on Oct. 26 for an event that was billed as “The Black Panties Promo Party”. Just by taking a quick buffet-swipe at the All Black Affair/R. Kelly Black Panties event on Facebook, there are at least 10 examples of the words Live, Performing, R. Kelly, and Will be in attendance. I think I even saw the phrase “Yes, R. Kelly will be here, for real, I promise, pinky-swear” a couple of times too. So when people paid $150 for tickets to one of Louisiana’s hottest events (second only to The Louisiana Springtime Chicken-Fried Gator Drop & Bayou Pageant) they thought they’d hear R. Kelly sing some songs from Black Panties (a piece of me dies every time I type ‘panties’).

According to one attendee, it was close to 1am by the time R. Kelly took the stage, and even through several layers of drank clouding their vision, people could tell something was up. R. Not Kelly (as we’ll call him from here on out) lip-synched (FOR HIS LIIIIIFE) for all of 4 minutes before exiting stage-left, and that’s when the audience channeled their inner Keith Morrison and Dateline NBC investigated their asses all over this tomfoolery. It doesn’t take a genius to know that R. Not Kelly was an impostor and everyone who spent $150 took to social media to let loose on R. Kelly in a fury of ALL CAPS and frustrated-looking emojis. To respond, a representative of R. Kelly reached out to Pitchfork, who told them that the event was billed as featuring an “appearance” from R. Kelly, not a concert, and that he was, in fact, there.

What in Twilight Zone hell is going on here?? A man claiming to be R. Kelly mouths the words to Bump n’ Grind, leaves in a cloud of mystery, then the real R. Kelly declares that this mystery man who looks nothing like him or sounds like him was him all along? There’s no word on whether or not attendees of the Black Panties party (please let that be the last time I type that) will receive refunds for their lip-synched concert, but I’m guessing not. If that were the case, Britney Spears would bankrupt every venue she’s ever performed at.

(Pic: KNOE via Pitchfork)

Afternoon Crumbs

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

Note to shameless fame whores: selling the news that you’re knocked up to a tabloid is so over. The new way to announce you’ve got a gut full of baby is by sharing the news in a tweet sponsoed by ClearBlue. Update your game! – Jezebel

Lady CaCa celebrates Thursday (“Halloween, huh?” – CaCa) by dressing up as a white geisha shat up by a shell – Lainey Gossip

At this point, I think Kim Kardashian has a drawer full of plastic noses and wears a different one every day - The Berry

Rude thoughtless little pig is a rude thoughtless little pig – Celebitchy

Kelly Ripa’s Miley Cyrus costume is invalid without a thick layer of yeast infection discharge on her tongue - The Superficial

Christina Milian goes as camouflage for Halloween, which is kind of redundant since nobody really notices her anyway. (I don’t mean that, Love Don’t Cost A Thing is a masterpiece) – Hollywood Tuna

Bethanny Frankelstein needs to eat some of that candy she’s wearing - Reality Tea

Monica Bellucci on Vanity Fair ItalyDrunken Stepfather

Happy Chloe-e-weenTowleroad

Katharine McPhee’s status as “side piece” is not going to get upgraded to “full-time piece”IDLYITW

Random is MiserAlba sucking on Pierce Brosnan’s hairy face – Popoholic

Kanye West’s Yeezus tour is about as stable as his sanity – HuffPo

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson throw the ROBSTENIS4EVERUNBROKEN cult members a bone – ICYDK

Are we sure Crispy Ronaldo isn’t really selling brow waxing kits, because his eyebrow situation is re-defining delicateness and exquisiteness – Buzzfeed

Not linking to Tim Curry singing “Anything Can Happen on Halloween” on October 31st is an illegal act, so here’s Tim Curry singing “Anything Can Happen on Halloween” - OMG Blog

Joshua Jackson’s hair fur is shaped like a Y. That’s all I’ve got. – Just Jared

It’s Soooookeh and Beeeeehl’s twins! – Popsugar

If Rita Ora glued piles of hay on top of her head, it would look more lush than that crap she’s got on her head now – Moe Jackson

Something to file under: POR QUE???!!!!!!!! – Videogum

And let’s end these links with the best Halloween costume of the year – I’m Not Obsessed

Please Welcome To The Stage Your ‘Latarian Milton School Of Hoodrat Stuff’ Valedictorian Of 2013

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

The minute I read about Justin Bieber’s latest display of Muppet Babies Bad-Asserry, I threw up my arms in a manner identical to this GIF and knew that today was going to be a tough one for me. As one of you guessed yesterday (due to my butchering of the word ‘neighborhood’) I am a Canadian person. As such, for the past 4 years (or however long this misbehaved come-to-life Kewpie doll has been terrorizing culture) I have had to constantly apologize for Justin Bieber. So I’ll begin the same way I do any time the words “Justin Bieber” are mentioned: I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. Canada is so sorry.

So what has Justin Bieber done this time to prove to us that he’s a Class-1 Bad Boy? According to TMZ, Latarian Milton’s #1 Fan asked his bodyguard to go to the art store and buy him some spray paint (because you have to be over 18 to buy spray paint. “Shhhh! They don’t have to know it’s for me! I’m so bad!” – Justin) so he could express his feelings regarding Chris Brown’s trip to rehab through graffiti. Bieber’s really crummy-looking message of “FREE BREEZY” (which sounds like the Dollar Tree version of Febreze) was sprayed on a wall in Bogota, Colombia (my 3rd Grade Pen Pal lived there; her letters were sad) where street art is permitted, but you know he would have done it anyway even if it was illegal, because he’s so TOUGH.

Not being content with his eye-rolling defence of The Most Arrogant Man in the World (“I don’t always try to beat the shit out of people, but when I do…oh wait, no, I’m constantly trying to beat the shit out of people”) Justin Bieber embarrassed himself even further by spray painting a pot leaf with a maple leaf inside it and a tribute to his dead hamster, Pac. In case you were curious as to what that deafeningly-loud whoosh of air you just heard was, it was me releasing the most I Can’t-sounding sigh in the universe.

Justin Bieber is probably on Wikipedia right now editing his page to include ‘graffiti artist’ in his never-ending list of occupations. Fun fact! Along with Singer-songwriter, Musician, and Dancer, he also includes Actor (EXCUSE ME??) and Investor (HOLD LE PHONE). I think you now understand why I get tired of introducing myself as: “Hi, I’m Allison, and I too hope that one day Justin Bieber gets deported.”

There is one hero in this story and, no, it’s not the decaying body of Pac (who is breathing a sigh of relief up in Hammy Heaven and telling Saint Squeaker “Thank god I’m finally dead”). It’s whoever wrote ‘Chicken Shit’ underneath Justin’s ‘FREE BREEZY’. I don’t know if they were referring to Chris Brown or Justin Bieber, but either way, I need to hunt them down like the Predator and give them a giant hug.

(Pic via TMZ)

Open Post: Hosted By Ellen As Nicki Minaj

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

First, Miley Cyrus as Lil Kim, then Ellen as Nicki Minaj… I’m sniffing a trend here. I wonder which white chick is going to dress up as the greatest female rapper of every generation Khia? I hope it’s Betty White.

While wearing a luscious pair of non-biodegradable chichis from Boobs4Queens.com and a padded ass made from the same stuff that Nicki Minaj’s ass is made from, Ellen Degeneres hosted her show today as the Hip Hop Grand Dame of Muppetland. Portia better Vaseline up her face before she motorboats or she’s going to have skid marks on her cheeks.

And if you really want to see Ellen try to twerk, here’s Ellen trying to twerk.

Well, I guess somebody had to make Miley look like the captain of the twerk team and Ellen is that someone.

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Talking About Michael Fassbender’s Big Peen Is Sexist, So Says Michael Fassbender

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

Michael Fassbender’s long dong swaying dick was the breakout star of Shame, it stole every scene it was in and many of us signed a petition to get the Academy to properly honor it with an honorary Oscar for best performance by a big dick in a movie (no disrespect to cinema’s other huge prick Ashton Kutcher). But just like fellow Salchicha Gordo Club member Jon Hamm, Michael Fassbender is tired of bitches talking about his big dick, and he’d really like us whores to stop focusing on his big dick, and he wants to be seen as something more than a dude with a big dick, and he wants the tweets about his big dick to stop (he’s talking to you, Damon Lindelof)!

As Sharon Stone’s vagina threw Michael Fassbender an “Is that so?” look, he told Elle UK (via The Cut) that it would be considered sexual harassment if everybody talked about an actresses’ chocha the way everyone talks about his big dick.

It wouldn’t be acceptable, it would be seen as sexual harassment, people saying [to an actress], “Your vagina …” You know?

You know, I didn’t totally get what Michael Fassbender said, because my brain was too busy thinking about his big dick swinging to and fro. Can Michael Fassbender say that again? Better yet, can Michael Fassbender get his big dick to say the words. I’ll totally pay attention then. I promise.

Tuck Game: D Minus

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

For 364 days out of the year, Matt Lauer has to put a suit over the ladies panties and bra he usually wears, but since it’s Halloween he gets to do a slow motion jog out of his dressing room as the sexy lady he wants to fuck over and over again.

This morning, the hos of Today all did themselves up like “iconic” TV characters and since Matt will never pass up an opportunity to put on a women’s Spandex one piece, he dressed up as C.J. Parker from Baywatch complete with a pair of rubber bowls that look more natural than what’s on Pamela Anderson’s chest. It’s a miracle that the producers of Today somehow managed to tear Matt away from the full-length mirror in his dressing room, because when he saw himself done up like that, he couldn’t stop staring while pinching his rubber nipples and caressing his padded ass.

I am totally disappointed that next to “tuck game” on his costume report card, I have to give him an almost failing grade. Unless he’s trying to say that C.J. Parker has a pair of low-hanging carne asada curtains and six clits, his crotch area is a total mess. Every intern at Today who Matt has flashed is probably giggling at this, because they know that he doesn’t have much to tuck yet his tuck game was still whack. But I’m sure Matt made up for it later when he spotted himself in the mirror again and was so turned on by himself that he tucked his stuff all the way between his legs while trying to stick the tip in his b-hole.

As for the other tricks from Today, Willie Geist went as The Hoff, Kathie Lee Gifford went as a Lucille Ball-looking ass Wilma Flinstone, Hoda Kotb went as Betty Rubble, wet piece of cardboard Savannah Guthrie went as a Barbara Walters-looking ass Laverne, Natalie Morales went as Shirley, Carson Daly went as Jon from CHiPs and Al Roker went as Mr. T. Carmen Electra, Erik Estrada and Vanilla Ice were also there, because what else do they have to do?

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Miley Cyrus As Lil Kim For Slutoween

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

You know Halloween has been filled to the top with layers upon layers of thick fuckery (see: Julianne Hough and all of this) if you see Miley Cyrus dressed up as Lil Kim and your first thought is, “Thank BEA ARTHUR that she’s not in blackface.”

Because Miley Cyrus really wanted to wear a Slutoween costume where she could show off her little uncooked chest dumpling, she dressed up as a white Lil Kim circa 1999 VMAs this year. But then again, isn’t Lil Kim a white Lil Kim at this point? Miley kind of looks like Amanda Bynes as Lil Kim (she does have a look in her eye that says, “You know you want to leave a chalk outline around this vagina, Drake”), but Amanda would never wear the WRONG shade of purple and she’d never wear a full-titty pasty instead of a nipple pasty. But Lil Kim still approves of Miley’s tribute to her and tweeted a taint pat of approval.

The only thing really missing here is a Diana Ross jiggling her titty. And I’m sure that as I type this, Billy Ray is putting a Diana Ross wig over his mullet.

(Pics via Twatter)

Ann With An E Hathaway Puts Her Bitchface On For Cancer Gala

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

Anne Hathaway lost a few fans after the attendees of the The Pink Party Gala she hosted in Santa Monica earlier this month told InTouch that the list of her demands included not being spoken to by guests and that she spent the night rolling her giant cow eyes. Dick move, Anne. Not even Christian Bale is going to send you a muffin basket for that one. Cancer is enough of an asshole for taking things that don’t belong to it without you adding to the fuckery!

Of course her reps and the gala’s organizers activated their Ass Kissing Wondertwin Powers when The DailyMail came calling to give you this:

The star’s publicist Stephen Huvane told MailOnline that the claims are ’100 percent false.’

Huvane stated: ‘We never made any such requests and Anne happily interacted with the organisers and guests at the event. The cause is very personal to her as the [doctor] being honoured that evening saved one of her very close friends.’

And the publicist for The Pink Party, Alexandra Lippin, affirmed to MailOnline that it was a delight to have her.’

Lippin went on to say: ‘Anne could not have been nicer and was absolutely lovely throughout the evening. 

‘She gave one of the most heartfelt speeches in the history of The Pink Party.’

Adding: ‘It was extremely genuine. She was sincere and open with tears in her eyes as she spoke about her friend.’

To be clear, no shade about her friend. Cancer itself is no joke and my condolences to anybody affected by it. But she’s an actress and an overly rehearsed one at that. She never seems quite genuine and strikes me as being “on” all the time. I can totally imagine her getting bored at a gala after underlining all the E’s at the end of her name on the signage, realizing she’s almost on, swiping some clove oil under her eyes and whispering “they’re gonna love you” on the way to the podium. I do have a shallow little smudge of appreciation for her, even though it’s just because I share some of her facial features and am thankful she’s a walking, talking example of “Just Say No To Pixie Cuts When You Have A Face Like That“.

(Photo by Wenn.com)

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