Archives: September 2013

Katy Perry Considered Ending It All After Russell Brand Dumped Her In A Text Message

September 30, 2013 / Posted by:

Katy Perry almost called Kellie Martin at the Crisis Center when she realized that the crabs she caught from her husband of 10 seconds Russell Brand were going to survive longer than her marriage did. Katy Perry said before that Russell behaved like the kind and caring husband he is by letting her know in a text message that he was divorcing her ass. In Russell’s defense, he couldn’t call and tell her, because it would’ve been hard for him to speak while his mouth was on the cooch of his latest rebound. Katy tells Billboard that a song called “By Grace of God” on her new album PRISM is about Russell texting her with: I AM DVRCING U K THX BYE. Knowing her marriage was dead made Katy consider throwing herself in a shallow grave next to it.

“That song is evident of how tough it really was at a certain point. I asked myself, ‘Do I want to endure? Should I continue living?’ All the songs are real-life moments. I can only write autobiographically. I put all the evidence in the music. I tell my fans if they want to know the real truth about stuff, just listen to the songs.”

You know you’re losing your mind and are in a dark, scary fucked up place when you consider asking Walter White for packets of Stevia because Russell Brand dumped you. While Katy Perry was crying out lonely tears, her twat was crying out tears of joy over being free of Russell Brand. Yes, breaking up sucks, but Russell dumping you via text message is the equivalent of God telling you that he cares about the health and well-being of your snatch.

And this is what Katy said about her latest douche piece John Mayer:

“He literally is a genius, as is evident from his songwriting. I always tell him, ‘Darling, you know I’m going to have to give your mind to science after you’ve passed, because we’re going to have to understand how all these sparks work.’

We’ll be in bed, and he’ll be doing the crossword puzzle. Every night, he tries to finish it in under 10 minutes. When he puts his mind to something, he really gets it done very well. I always ask for his help.”

Does Katy Perry want me to commit suicide by barfing all of my insides out, because if she does, she needs to keep spitting out those quotes about John Mayer.

And here’s Katy’s latest single “Walking on Air,” which sounds like a CeCe Peniston B-side.

Brad Pitt Took The Chosen Ones To Legoland

September 30, 2013 / Posted by:

St. Angie Jolie is gracing Australia with her holy presence while she directs that Unbroken movie over there and Brad Pitt is in England shooting that World War II movie with Shia LaDouche, so the child army has been split up. Brad took the Chosen Ones, who are looking more and more like early days Hanson, to Legoland Windsor and The Daily Mail says that he’s so real and so of the people that he waited in line with the regulars and didn’t use the “I’m Brad Fucking Pitt” card to cut to the front. Bitch, please. Brad Pitt probably hired a Brad Pitt decoy to wait in line, while he cut to the front, to make it look like he’s real and of the people. Because what’s the point of being famous if you’re not going to use that fame to skip the long ass annoying lines at amusement parks?

And because of that haircut and those clothes, Brad Pitt looks like the sensitive and low-ranking member of a crime family who’s been ordered to guard the mob boss’ chirruns.

Yes, I’d hit it, but I’m not talking about Brad. I’m talking about the hot bodyguard who looks like Stretch Armstrong’s silver-topped daddy.

Pics: FameFlynet

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The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 27th!

September 30, 2013 / Posted by:

Height. Check.
No teeth. Check.
Place to put his beer and lay out a line. Check.

Mr. Sheen, your goddesses are ready when you are! – alistz

Runners-up:

Poor Kourtney and Kim nobody told them that if they injected enough plastic into their faces they would eventually resemble legos. – Blair Sylvester

Miley, we get it, you’re a twerkin’ potheaded twat. – El Bastardo

via Break.com

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 30, 2013 / Posted by:

Everybody’s still freaking out and scheduling an emergency Skype session with their therapist to deal with the separation anxiety they’re feeling after watching (BREAKING BAD SPOILER ALERT) Walter White fake his death and move to the Pacific Northwest to be a lumberjack. But what everybody should REALLY be freaking out over is this sexy abuelita in mom jeans and a Bob Marley shirt serving up some piping hot sweet salsa moves at a party. The most dancing I ever saw my abuelita do is clap her hands at a Dionne Warwick concert, but this abuelita is dancing for the abuelitas.

Skip to the 0:50 mark to see her seduce a younger piece with her thrusting crotch and shoulder shimmy. She’s thrusting like her crotch is a chancleta and the air is a brat’s hand. Dude sits back, because he knows that she’ll only eat him alive and leave him feeling cold, lonely and heartbroken, and no amount of menudo can cure the ache he’ll feel from getting dumped by a hot puma. He can’t handle it and he knows it.

And here’s the Blurred Lines mash-up, because it’s still 2013 and every dance video has to be mashed up with Blurred Lines.

Geeeeeeet it, abuelita!

via Gawker

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Birthday Sluts

September 30, 2013 / Posted by:

Ezra Miller (21)
T-Pain (28)
Keisha Buchanan (29)
Lacey Chabert (31)
Kieran Culkin (31)
Dominique Moceanu (32)
Martina Hingis (33)
Marion Cotillard (38)
Ashley Hamilton (39)
Jenna Elfman (42)
Tony Hale (43)
Trey Anastasio (49)
Monica Bellucci (49)
Eric Stoltz (52)
Crystal Bernard (52)
Fran Drescher (56)
Patrice Rushen (59)
Barry Williams (59)
Victoria Tennant (63)
Rula Lenska (66)
Marilyn McCoo (70)
Len Cariou (74)
Johnny Mathis (78)
Cissy Houston (80)
Angie Dickinson (82)

(Pic via Paper)

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It Was So, So, So, SO Hard For Kim Kartrashian To Leave North West To Go To Some Fashion Show In Paris

September 29, 2013 / Posted by:

Kim Kardashian probably spends 98% of her day in a full-body, fat-melting sauna suit, 1% of her day listening to Kanye moan about how Lanvin said no to his ass-less patent leather culottes and if she has time, she sometimes Skypes with North West’s trainer and full-time Botox injector to see how long before that kid is ho stroll ready. Even though Kim probably hardly ever sees North West’s face, it was still really hard for her to say goodbye to her 3-month-old when she left for Paris. A source close to Kim (aka Bruce Jenner reading a script that Pimp Mama Kris wrote) told UsWeekly, “Kim was sad to say goodbye. This is the first time she’s been away from the baby.” A source close to the baby said, “Who’s Kim?”

But seriously, Kim has a really good reason for leaving her 3-month-old future money maker. If Kim didn’t go to Paris with Kanye, who would hold his coat and panther-skinned fanny pack when he ran after the executives at Fendi to scream at them in ALL-KAPS for not making his leather jogging pants (leather jogging pants are the Jack to his Rose, he’ll never let go). Who will touch up the lip gloss on Kanye’s b-hole in the ladies room before he went off to kiss and congratulate Riccardo Tisci after the Givenchy show? Who would vacantly smile and look one hundred percent dead inside while holding Kanye’s hand during a front row photo-op? Being Kanye’s ho-in-waiting is Kim’s job and sometimes she has to leave her baby with the nannies she always leaves her baby with, because taking care of a kid is work and we know that bitch is allergic to any kind of work.

Here’s Kim and Kanye going into the Givenchy show in Paris today. They both look a mess. I guess Kim is back to being Kanye’s dress-up doll, because her body is suffocating in ridiculousness like it did during her pregnant days. She looks like she’s wearing the ruffled skirt that goes under the coffin at a funeral. That shit’s got rips all over it. So either her body is trying to HULK out of that fugness or that outfit is trying to quit her body. It’s probably a little of both.

Pics: Splash

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