Robert Pattinson Might Be Humping On Sean Penn’s Daughter

September 25, 2013 / Posted by:

Life & Style says that RPattz might spend Thanksgiving staring into the rotisserie roasted hemorrhoid face of Sean Penn, because he’s slathering his saliva on Dylan Penn’s armpit. RPattz’s parents obviously didn’t teach him one of life’s most important lessons: whatever you do, don’t find yourself somehow related to Sean Penn. Smoke crack a couple of times, have bareback sex with a day-shift hooker, okay, but don’t ever have a seat on a branch on the Penn family tree.

A witness type tells Life & Style that a couple of weeks ago, 27-year-old RPattz and Sean and Robin Wright’s 22-year-old Dylan were at the Viper Room and hugging on each other like Sean Penn and the late Hugo Chavez on a chilly night in their tent. The witness says that RPattz and Dylan weren’t even watching the show on stage, because they were too busy eye fucking each other.

“They were touchy-feely and very flirtatious. There was a level of comfort there. You could tell they’ve hung out a few times.”

After the show, RPattz had a little party at his house and he and Dylan were kissing in the kitchen. Everybody left at 5 in the morning, but Dylan stayed.

The “kissing in the kitchen” stuff aside, RPattz holding Dylan’s hand in public really doesn’t mean anything. I’m gayer than the sparkly wet spot that Richard Simmons leaves on his satin panties after he lets out a butt queef and if I met Dylan Penn and found out that she’s Sean Penn’s daughter, I’d hold her hand and hug her in a “Oh honey, I’m so sorry this happened to you…” kind of way.

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