Because we’re living in a not right and totally unjust society where it’s actually illegal to turn your car into a death machine by driving while plastered and the cops won’t always let you go if you give them a sloppy handy in the back of their car, White Oprah was charged with a DWI over a week ago and she was in court on Long Island today to answer to those charges. And she brought along my favorite character from Lindsay Lohan’s happy fun time court days: MARK HELLER!
White Oprah’s checking account is about as empty as her head, but good thing for her, Mark Heller is the kind of shady bridge troll who works for the toe nails of children and she has a few children who can grow those, so it’s a win/win for everyone! Mark and White Oprah played it extremely subtle by showing up to court in a chauffeured Rolls Royce. White Oprah pleaded not guilty, because Lohans are allergic to taking responsibility for their shit and because Mark Heller thinks that the judge may fall for the “it was a black kid in a White Oprah costume” defense.
TMZ says that White Oprah was released back into civilization without bail, but the court took her drivers license away.
I’m sure White Oprah will be vindicated! Mark Heller will successfully argue that yes, White Oprah blew a 0.20 on the Breathalyzer, but her blood alcohol level is always twice the legal limit. Bitch was born with a 0.20 blood alcohol level. She’s just always drunk. And besides, what judge will rule against a fancy lawyer who looks like a miniaturized Henry Wrinkler-on-the-barbie and carries a really fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase. You know a ho is serious when he’s carrying a Louis Vuitton briefcase. Fun fact: Mark’s Louis Vuitton briefcase is actually a regular-sized wallet and they put a handle on it especially for him. Bitch has got it like that.
And yes, I’m squeeing thinking of all the cute, little legal documents he’s got in that little briefcase.