While the Emmys were bumming everyone the shit out by showing us dead person after dead person, Richard Simmons was giving everybody life on Twitter. During the show, the spawn of Billy Crystal and a Care Bear, made anus lips twitch and tingle into a frenzy by tweeting pictures of him dragged up as various TV characters. You better shove an ice cube up your ass, because if you don’t, the sight of Richard Simmons in all kinds of drag will make your prostate melt and drip out of your body.
Who cares if Richard Simmons as Walter White looks more like Justin Bieber after his music career dies and he tries to make it in the world of female tennis. Who cares if Richard Simmons as Sister Jude from AHS: Asylum looks more like a strung out Tan Mom. And who cares if Richard Simmons in Game of Thrones drag looks like a sober White Oprah SANS FARDS. All of this is perfection wrapped in a rainbow wrapped in a unicorn’s air kiss wrapped in another layer of perfection.
Miley will most likely Instagram a picture of her wearing nothing but a clit cozy today and that’ll make my head swallow my eyeballs for once and for all, and that’s okay. I’ve seen everything there is to see now that I’ve seen Richard Simmons in drag as Phoebe Price. It’s like heaven jacked off in my eyes.