Because pictures of fallen douche king Jon Gosselin are worth so much money (and by “so much money” I mean an opened bottle of Axe and a gently used Ed Hardy butt plug), a paparazzo followed him from the restaurant where he waits tables to his cabin in the woods in Pennsylvania yesterday. TMZ says that the pap waited for him to leave his job and followed him as he drove on the main roads to his cabin. When Jon turned onto a dirt road, the pap kept following him, because she thought that dirt road was public. It’s not. Following a Gosselin down a dirt road in the middle of the woods sounds like the start of the most terrifying, gory and disgusting horror movie ever. Who knows what you’ll find at the end. You could find a hungry child army screaming at you to make them all Easy Mac or worse, you could find a clothesline with all of Jon’s old Ed Hardy t-shirts hanging on it.
The pap wanted to get shots of Jon’s cabin, because she figured Architectural Digest could publish them in their very special “Homes of A-list Celebrities” issue. Jon wasn’t having any of it. As soon as the pap started taking pictures, he pulled out a gun and told her to get off of his private property. Maybe it’s just me, but I was taught that if you’re on somebody’s private property, and they threaten to shoot you, and you don’t have your Wonder Woman cuffs off, you should probably get your ass the fuck out of there. The pap got the hint when Jon fired a warning shot into the air and she drove off.
She planned to file a police report, but the cops let her know that if she did, they’d have to charge her with criminal trespassing since she was on private property without permission. She put her tail between her legs, lowered her eyelids and asked, “Err, um, well can you just put it in your files that he fired a warning shot into the air then?” They agreed and that was that. And as for what happened to that bullet…
The bullet that Jon fired into the air hit the wing of a bird flying overhead. That bird lost control, careened toward the ground and crashed straight into Kate Gosselin’s Botoxed face just as she was about to call Jon and scream at him for the tenth time of the day. Jon should probably give that bird a comped meal.