Even bitch’s eyebrows and weave look shit-faced…
Nana Lohan better make room on the Lohan family wall of pride, because here comes another gorgeous mug shot to add to the collection. Since Lindsay Lohan hasn’t fucked up in a while, one of the Lohans needs to keep up the family’s pristine reputation as responsible citizens of society and that Lohan was White Oprah of course! CBS New York says that the matriarch of the Wild and Wonderful Lohans was arrested on Long Island at around 11 last night after getting caught speeding on the Northern State Parkway while in her usual state: plastered into another dimension. The police say White Oprah’s white BMW was going 77mph in a 55mph zone. When the police pulled her over, they immediately smelled White Oprah’s natural scent of vodka, bad decisions, fuckery, burnt weave glue, wet cigarette butts and sweaty balls.
White Oprah put her mouth on a Breathalyzer and it read: YUP, SHE’S A LOHAN AND NOW I NEED ANTIBIOTICS! White Oprah blew a .20, over twice the legal limit. Because White Oprah is a sue-happy grifter who is always thinking ahead, she screamed that the police injured her while arresting her ass. An ambulance showed up and after they examined her, they determined that yes, everything about her is broke down, but they didn’t find any injuries. White Oprah knew the jig was up, took it all back and said she was never injured.
The cops gave her tickets for the DUI and speeding. She’ll have to show her face in court on September 24th. After she was booked and her mug shot of beauty was taken, she released to a sober party. Yeah, I think the real news here is that White Oprah actually knows someone who’s sober.
In White Oprah’s defense, she’s usually three times the legal limit while driving, so she was actually being responsible last night. But I can’t wait to hear the excuse that White Oprah pulls out of her drunk b-hole (yes, bitch’s b-hole is drunk too). She’s either going to take a page from her daughter’s excuse book and say it was the black kid’s mouth on that Breathalyzer. Or she’s going to say that she was driving to the orphanage to read the kids a bedtime story and she rinsed her mouth out with Listerine, because the orphans deserve fresh breath. And then the police had to go and ruin everything. The orphans never went to bed and now there’s a bunch of sleep-deprived kids on Long Island. It’s all the police’s fault. Why can’t the police just let White Oprah be great?