The cast of Dancing with the Has-Beens is usually a mound of sad, desperate sludge at the bottom of a whatevercomesafterZ-list cesspool, but this season’s cast is more like a piece of fungus stuck to rock at the bottom of a whatevercomes-afterZ-list cesspool and that’s because bright shining A-list stars like Bill Nye, Elizabeth Berkley and Valerie Harper are in it.
On Good Morning America today, ABC announced the cast of national treasures (see: Bill, Nomi Malone and Rhoda) and has-beens (see: pretty much everybody else) who will dance for a check and relevancy on the new season of DWTS. TMZ leaked some of the cast list a couple of weeks ago, but they didn’t name Bill Nye. Bill Nye’s partner is Tyne Stecklein and I hope that the only song they dance to is the BILL! BILL! BILL! chant. I also hope that after every dance, he explains the scientific benefits that said dance brings to my body. Bill Nye is dancing in the name of science!
But as much as I want to see that Dollar Tree Mirror Ball trophy next to Bill’s Honorary Doctor of Science degree on a shelf in his office, Elizabeth Berkley’s got this. Elizabeth was in the greatest dance movie of all time, Showgirls, and she’s a former member of the highly-esteemed dance troupe Hot Sundae:
And Elizabeth better pay homage to Nomi Malone by doing the “dying dolphin flop” at least once.
Here’s the rest of the cast and it goes without saying, but ABC really fucked up by not including Twerking Minnie Mouse in this mess.