JLo Talks About Performing For A Dictator

September 3, 2013 / Posted by:

JLo would perform at the halftime show of every game on Dennis Rodman’s basketball diplomacy tour through North Korea if Kim Jong-un shoved enough money between her Cherpumple ass cheeks, so it wasn’t surprising that she performed at the birthday party of Turkmenistan’s president for millions of dollars. When many people splattered JLo with hate for performing for the dictator of a country with one of the worst human rights records, her people played dumb by saying that they didn’t know about Turkmenistan’s record and they couldn’t Google it, because Casper Smart was using their only laptop to entertain himself (aka spend hours on ManHub) while his sugar mami rehearsed.

During an interview with Cosmopolitan, JLo was asked about shaking her ass for a dictator. While petting the elephant ivory and black rhino eyeball ring she bought with the money she got for performing in Turkmenistan, JLo squirted out this response that was written by her damage control team:

“I know that being seen as a role model means taking responsibility for all my actions. I am human, and of course, sometimes I make mistakes. But I promise that when I fall, I get back up. When I am wrong, I will learn the lesson and move on to face other challenges. For me, that’s what creating your own life is. Doing your best work while being your best self.”

Stuart Smalley better better call his lawyers, because JLo stole one of his affirmations word for word. That’s a really good bullshit statement and JLo should use it again after she gets hate for being the headliner at Russia’s Anti-Gay Pride Parade and for being a judge on Syria’s Got Talent.

JLo continued to mouth fart out dingles from a bull’s ass when she talked about her relationship with Casper Smart:

“For me, it’s about having a great partner to walk this life with. I have my own high standards for what I want in a partner and how I want to be treated. I bring a lot to the table. I’m not talking about material things but what I have to offer as a person – love and loyalty and all the things that make a good relationship.”

Casper Smart would agree with JLo, but he hasn’t seen any of the love and loyalty she’s brought to the table and that’s probably because it’s hiding under a pile of money, non-disclosure agreements and solid gold rattles. And Casper also brings a lot to the table like dirty diapers and unpaid bills.

Here’s JLo with the Dragon Tales Twins at Disneyland on August 25th. Casper didn’t go, because the last time JLo took him to Disneyland, he cried on the Snow White ride and it ruined everybody’s day.

Pics: Splash

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