The next time the fluorescent lights above your cubicle have sucked the last drop of life out of your spirit and your annoying co-workers have made you contemplate making a noose out of paper clips and tape, just remind yourself that it could always be worse. You could be Justin Bieber’s bodyguard.
The pus-filled pimple stuck to humanity’s clitoris is in China and when he visited the Great Wall today, he made his bodyguards carry him up the stairs, because nothing is harder or more bad ass than two grown men carrying you up a flight of stairs like you’re a delicate, fragile baby queen whose feet must never be tainted. Mimi is looking at this like, “Eh. No fanning slave girls? No topless men throwing butterfly-shaped gardenia petals in front of him? Newbie diva!”
The ears of those bodyguards were probably filled with the squishy sounds from Justin’s full diaper. If those bodyguards only knew that humanity would’ve turned the other way and said, “No, I didn’t hear anything, I didn’t see anything,” if they suddenly got a tick in their shoulders and sort of kind of knocked him over the side of the wall.
And another Belieber tweeted this picture of his bodyguards running after him as he skated down the street.
You’d have to have the restraint of a monk to not “accidentally” kick the back wheel of King Joffrey Bieber’s skateboard as you run behind his spoiled ass. Actually, scratch that, even the Dalai Lama would make that bitch fly by kicking his wheel.
Kate Upton and Maksim from Dancing with No Stars made their staged photo-op debut as a couple. I guess George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Adam Levine didn’t pick up the phone when Kate’s publicist called – The Superficial
When Carey Mulligan pulls her newly brown hair back, she kind of looks like a sad Alfalfa – Lainey Gossip
Chris Pine and Bendydick Cumsinbitches hung out together at a Justin Timberlake show – The Berry
Jenny McCarthy thinks she deserves great things. The kids who got the goddamn mumps because their mom listened to Jenny’s crazy advice think otherwise – Celebitchy
RiRi looks like she’s got a bag of torn up cotton balls on her head – Drunken Stepfather
Drunk GG from Shahs of Sunset looks like every girl in the early 90s who made the mistake of getting a perm to look like Mariah Carey – Reality Tea
Ceiling Eyes got her Period on – Hollywood Tuna
And the next anti-gay marriage Republican politician who will get caught tap dancing for dick in the men’s bathroom is…. – Towleroad
Ann Coulter continues to be Ann Coulter by spewing out dumb shit for re-tweets – IDLYITW
Duchess Kate has the baby sads – ICYDK
Salma Hayek’s collar looks like puka shell bukkake, but her chichis look magnificent – Popoholic
Reason #1 for why I should move to Australia before October 23rd: to watch Ja’mie Private School Girl when it airs – OMG Blog
I think I got a higher SAT score than ScarJo, which means nothing since she’s a millionaire who fucked Ryan Reynolds a few times and I’ll be eating Easy Mac out of a washed-out Yogurt cup tonight – HuffPo
We’ve gone too far when the panda cam is shut down – IDLYITW
……Or maybe Olivier Martinez just really likes carrying around something that looks like an uncut dick – Celebslam
The theme must’ve been: Morning Shift Pussy Peddlers Circa 1991 and the Johns Who Can Barely Afford Them – Crunk + Disorderly
Heather Morris from Glee had a baby and he looks like a baby – Just Jared
Panty Creamer Of The Day: A topless Bradley Cooper (just ignore the girl child) – Popsugar
It only takes a dolla to make Richard Simmons holla – SOW
Well, beating and checking hos all day is pretty exhausting – I’m Not Obsessed
You can’t say that you’ve truly, truly danced until you’ve danced like you’ve been possessed by the spirit of an air dancer . Or danced like a cartoon Beethoven maniacally playing the piano. Or danced like Mitt Romney after putting on a new pair of magic underwear. Or danced like a Muppet on acid.
As a row of not amused haters seethed with jealousy behind him, my new hero did the I Don’t Give A Fuck shimmy during Willie Nelson’s performance at a political rally in Hawaii. Yes, he probably ended up biting his tongue off and/or was dragged away by EMTs, but who cares! This is HIS moment. And even Willie is making a face that says, “I am not stoned enough for this shit.”
If you’ve always wanted to know what it would sound like if the members of FannyPack were turned into hillbilly chipmunks, inhaled too much freon and rapped a rejected J. J. Fad song together, then the authorities should really take your ears away, because you hate them and love to abuse them. But if you still want to hear that shit, here’s a shitty-quality version of “SMS (Bangerz),” the song that Brit Brit and Miley Cyrus did together for the latter’s new album (the whole album is streaming on iTunes if you really need to do that to yourself today).
If your ear drums cracked and shattered into a thousand pieces, you can send your doctor bill to Larry Rudolph, because he’s to blame for this mess. Larry is Miley’s and Brit Brit’s manager. That shit sounds like a warped cassette copy of Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” played at high speed. I can already see the high school cheer squads twerking to this shit during competition. God, Buddha, Xenu and Bea Arthur help us all.
That’s actually a trick question. It’s like asking: Which one exudes the most natural elegance? The answer is BOTH!
If the whole “being the most exquisitely stunning porn iguana in the world” thing doesn’t work out for her, Courtney Stodden should join Cirque du Holeil, because she can walk on 12 inch stilts while balancing a pair of 50 pound medicine ball titties. That is talent! As her burn victim clown-looking husband was at home trolling the Internet for his next child bride since the porn iguana is obviously going to leave his ass soon for a European prince who is looking for the next Grace Kelly, she went to SUR in West Hollywood, CA to nibble on wet lettuce as her wrecking ball (Note: Please DO NOT Photoshop a naked Miley on Courtney’s tits, nobody needs that) chichis kept knocking over the salt and pepper on the table.
Just when I think that the porn iguana couldn’t be anymore graceful or demure, she outdoes herself by wearing a luxurious recycling trash bag dress and a spray painted gold bamboo fence choker. And that lip liner! Lip liner is the 9″ hard dick of beauty products. It makes me cry tears of happiness while feeling things.
And these pictures are where elegance goes when it needs inspiration.
Inexplicably, he’s been linked to some really hot, pretty famous women, even though he’s not exactly hot and he behaves, at least artistically, like a douchebag. What’s the attraction? Certainly not his sex moves. This won’t solve the mystery either.
When it’s time to fuck, he doesn’t like doing it at home. Which is weird because, well, he’s really weird about germs and touching. And you’d think his house would be cleaner than a hotel, right? So he and whoever he’s about to do it with are at the hotel. They’re about to do it. Only he won’t take his clothes off. Instead, he’ll always keep his underwear on, looping his dick through the boxer hole so as to minimise as much skin-on-skin contact as possible.
Maybe that’s why it never lasts? (Lainey Gossip)
Some of the known germaphobes of Hollywood are: Howie Mandel, Billy Bob Thornton and Marc Summers.
I don’t thinks it’s Howie Mandel, because Howie Mandel only fucks in a pool full of Purell while two guys in Hazmat suits standby to hose him down. Billy Bob Thornton and St. Angie have probably had blood sex, so he can’t be that much of a germaphobe. And Marc Summers has been married since the beginning of time, so I don’t think it’s him.
I’m going to guess Seth MacFarlane. He kind of fits and he seems like the type who would awkwardly fuck with his clothes on and his dick sticking out of his boxer’s piss pocket like a virgin 9th grader getting it on for the first time in the back of his parent’s car parked in the driveway. But if it’s really that serious and dude can’t take his chonies off to bone, he needs to invest in something called a portable glory hole. He can call John Travolta for a referral.
If there is one thing that publicists never tire of, it’s a staged photo.
Now, we’re not talking about the typical photo of a fake couple on the red carpet, or walking down the street holding hands, or sharing a meal at a public restaurant.
No, the best staged photos aren’t taken in public. The best ones replicate private moments, the ones that you aren’t supposed to see! They are meant to tell a secret story, one where the viewer fantasizes about what happens next.
A good example of this is a photo of a young male star on the floor, entangled with his girlfriend in a loving and “spontaneous” embrace. Of course, everybody has their clothes on, and their faces are cleverly obscured, but the publicists know that you will figure out who this clandestine couple is based on his tattoo… and what comes next based on their position.
Are you buying the hetero image they are trying to give him? Well, you shouldn’t. Because the girl in the photo isn’t the true love of his life. (Blind Gossip)
Harry Styles. Exhibit: EVERYTHING! But if he’s trying to prove he’s straight with this picture, he should’ve probably done a different pose, because it looks like she’s about to peg him missionary-style.
This war between A list mostly movie actresses who are also Academy Award winners has reached epic proportions. #1 won the award but has way less nominations. She is the one who started the fight and has also threatened to expose #2’s infidelities with her leading men. For her part, #2 has threatened to not only expose #1’s infidelities but also release recordings of #1 having sex with a co-star when #1 got too loud and everyone could hear them outside #1’s trailer. (CDAN)
Today, the image of Meryl Streep crouching outside of Julia Roberts‘ trailer door and recording the sex neighs she lets out while screwing her side piece IS taking me higher.
This game show host says he has had more hookers and strippers than Charlie Sheen and now is paying for it. Apparently his engine doesn’t run any longer if you know what I mean. Some kind of infection he picked up and could never shake. It’s not the obvious choice. (CDAN)
The obvious choice would be ALL OF THEM, because all of those game show hosts seem like down low bareback freaks. But I’m going to guess Pat Sajak of Wheel of
Katy Perry almost called Kellie Martin at the Crisis Center when she realized that the crabs she caught from her husband of 10 seconds Russell Brand were going to survive longer than her marriage did. Katy Perry said before that Russell behaved like the kind and caring husband he is by letting her know in a text message that he was divorcing her ass. In Russell’s defense, he couldn’t call and tell her, because it would’ve been hard for him to speak while his mouth was on the cooch of his latest rebound. Katy tells Billboard that a song called “By Grace of God” on her new album PRISM is about Russell texting her with: I AM DVRCING U K THX BYE. Knowing her marriage was dead made Katy consider throwing herself in a shallow grave next to it.
“That song is evident of how tough it really was at a certain point. I asked myself, ‘Do I want to endure? Should I continue living?’ All the songs are real-life moments. I can only write autobiographically. I put all the evidence in the music. I tell my fans if they want to know the real truth about stuff, just listen to the songs.”
You know you’re losing your mind and are in a dark, scary fucked up place when you consider asking Walter White for packets of Stevia because Russell Brand dumped you. While Katy Perry was crying out lonely tears, her twat was crying out tears of joy over being free of Russell Brand. Yes, breaking up sucks, but Russell dumping you via text message is the equivalent of God telling you that he cares about the health and well-being of your snatch.
And this is what Katy said about her latest douche piece John Mayer:
“He literally is a genius, as is evident from his songwriting. I always tell him, ‘Darling, you know I’m going to have to give your mind to science after you’ve passed, because we’re going to have to understand how all these sparks work.’
We’ll be in bed, and he’ll be doing the crossword puzzle. Every night, he tries to finish it in under 10 minutes. When he puts his mind to something, he really gets it done very well. I always ask for his help.”
Does Katy Perry want me to commit suicide by barfing all of my insides out, because if she does, she needs to keep spitting out those quotes about John Mayer.
And here’s Katy’s latest single “Walking on Air,” which sounds like a CeCe Peniston B-side.
St. Angie Jolie is gracing Australia with her holy presence while she directs that Unbroken movie over there and Brad Pitt is in England shooting that World War II movie with Shia LaDouche, so the child army has been split up. Brad took the Chosen Ones, who are looking more and more like early days Hanson, to Legoland Windsor and The Daily Mail says that he’s so real and so of the people that he waited in line with the regulars and didn’t use the “I’m Brad Fucking Pitt” card to cut to the front. Bitch, please. Brad Pitt probably hired a Brad Pitt decoy to wait in line, while he cut to the front, to make it look like he’s real and of the people. Because what’s the point of being famous if you’re not going to use that fame to skip the long ass annoying lines at amusement parks?
And because of that haircut and those clothes, Brad Pitt looks like the sensitive and low-ranking member of a crime family who’s been ordered to guard the mob boss’ chirruns.
Yes, I’d hit it, but I’m not talking about Brad. I’m talking about the hot bodyguard who looks like Stretch Armstrong’s silver-topped daddy.
No teeth. Check.
Place to put his beer and lay out a line. Check.
Mr. Sheen, your goddesses are ready when you are! – alistz
Poor Kourtney and Kim nobody told them that if they injected enough plastic into their faces they would eventually resemble legos. – Blair Sylvester
Miley, we get it, you’re a twerkin’ potheaded twat. – El Bastardo
Everybody’s still freaking out and scheduling an emergency Skype session with their therapist to deal with the separation anxiety they’re feeling after watching (BREAKING BAD SPOILER ALERT) Walter White fake his death and move to the Pacific Northwest to be a lumberjack. But what everybody should REALLY be freaking out over is this sexy abuelita in mom jeans and a Bob Marley shirt serving up some piping hot sweet salsa moves at a party. The most dancing I ever saw my abuelita do is clap her hands at a Dionne Warwick concert, but this abuelita is dancing for the abuelitas.
Skip to the 0:50 mark to see her seduce a younger piece with her thrusting crotch and shoulder shimmy. She’s thrusting like her crotch is a chancleta and the air is a brat’s hand. Dude sits back, because he knows that she’ll only eat him alive and leave him feeling cold, lonely and heartbroken, and no amount of menudo can cure the ache he’ll feel from getting dumped by a hot puma. He can’t handle it and he knows it.
And here’s the Blurred Lines mash-up, because it’s still 2013 and every dance video has to be mashed up with Blurred Lines.
Geeeeeeet it, abuelita!