Shailene Woodley Is The Earthy Forest Girl Version Of GOOP

August 29, 2013 / Posted by:

When Goopy Paltrow is awaken by the soothing sound of her personal bedroom philharmonic gently playing the second movement of Tchaikovsky’s First Symphony, she gracefully leaps out of her Torrey pine wood bed and drinks the eye water of a virgin swan before her morning maid brushes her teeth with a special paste made of Moroccan mint leaves and green diamond flakes. That’s kind of how Shailene Woodley starts her day too. But instead of waking up to a philharmonic, she wakes up to the sound of the wind chimes she made using fallen tree branches and instead of drinking the eye water of a virgin swan, she drinks the spring water she collected herself from the mountains. I didn’t make that last part up.

Shailene Woodley, who’s in The Spectacular Now and Divergent, tells Flaunt Magazine that she’s practically an Earth mother of the woods and uses things from nature for everything from lotions to medicine. If you’ve got pneumonia, don’t bother going to a medical professional, because Dr. Woodley Medicine Woman can get the sicks out of your lungs by lying a fat beaver on top of your chest for a few hours. If you’ve got a bad case of crabs, put down that bottle of RID, because Shailene can get rid of them by setting a wild otter free on your crotch. Shailene shaves her legs with rabid animal foam and a broken shell, and she uses pussy willow flowers for tampons. I’ll let Shailene tell you everything else she does with nature (Fun Fact: She said this in Nell’s native tongue, because that’s how much of a granola goddess of the forest she is. It had to be translated.):

“I think everything about my lifestyle is fairly alternative. I gather my own spring water from mountains every month. I go to a farm to get my food. I make everything from my own toothpaste to my own body lotions and face oils. I could go on for hours. I make my own medicines; I don’t get those from doctors. I make my own cheese and forage wild foods and identify wild plants. It’s an entire lifestyle. It’s appealing to my soul.”

Shailene! Bitch, Jennifer Lawrence got that role in The Hunger Games a long, long time ago and they’ve already made two of the movies. There’s no hope for you, so stop preparing for it.

Shailene shouldn’t feel so special about making her own cheese. Gerard Butler’s dick can do it without even trying. And going to the mountains to gather her own spring water? The Swiss Family Robinson needs to come and get their child. But seriously, all of that sounds so exhausting. I have to stretch for hours before putting a Sparkletts water jug on the dispenser and I get tired and have to take a break while shopping for moisturizer at CVS.

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