This Is How You Know That Your House Is Too Goddamn Big

August 22, 2013 / Posted by:

JLo needs a big house to fit her big ass and big ego, but her $10 million mansion in the Hamptons is probably a little too big, because some strange dude squatted there for an entire week without any of her staff knowing about it.

The New York Post says that earlier this month, a dude moved into the pool house of JLo’s mansion in Water Mill, NY and made himself right at home. The dude wasn’t even trying to hide it. He parked his car in front of the house, posted pictures of his JLo-funded vacation on the Internet and even cleaned up her shrubs for her. JLo’s security guards never wondered why a strange car was parked out in front and they never caught him. He was finally caught six days later on August 8th when one of JLo’s employees saw him standing on the back porch. He told the police that he was the father of the Dragon Tales twins and JLo allowed him to live in the pool house. The man didn’t look like the spirit of Lilith just took over his vampire body, so the cops knew he wasn’t Skeletor. And surprisingly, he wasn’t PP’s boyfriend Ojani Noa looking for more cash.

Turns out, the squatter’s a JLo stalker who said that his name was David Lopez. The cops found out that his real name is John Dubis and he’s been stalking her for a while. 49-year-old John had to undergo a psychiatric evaluation earlier this year when he called up JLo’s mom and said that he was her son. When the cops searched his rental car, they found crazy letters he wrote to President Obama and other famous people. John also admitted to jacking off on JLo’s lawn , because he felt like she would want him to “spread his seed throughout the world.” Well, I guess that’s one way to fertilize the grass.

John was arrested and taken to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. He was charged with stalking and burglary. He pleaded not guilty and he’s currently in jail since he couldn’t pay the $100,000 bail.

Here’s a picture that John posted on Facebook with the creepy caption: “Jenny always sending me love.”

jlosstalker1

Alan Rickman, leave JLo uh-looooooooooooone!

JLo’s rep said that he doesn’t know anything about this, and that she’s spending time at her mansion in the Hamptons right now. For her sake, I hope she made Casper Smart sniff out the dried cum on the lawn, so she could replace those patches before sunbathing naked on the grass.

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